Struck a chord

PAUL O'Sullivan tells us there is an indignant comment on the Glasgow Apollo Facebook page, where people reminisce about the former music venue, after Boris Johnson's claim that "Theresa May's Brexit plan is substantially worse than the status quo". Someone wrote: "Don't knock the Quo, man".

Aspiring

THAT television interview with the two Russians allegedly involved in the Salisbury poisoning was astonishing. As a reader tells us: "It's quite clear that their knowledge of Salisbury was lifted straight from Wikipedia. In fact the full translation of what they said includes, 'Yes, we are big fans of tall spires, and Salisbury Cathedral's 123m, open square bracket, citation needed, close square bracket, tall spire was an unforgettable sight'."

Step too far

TALES of Freshers' Week reminds a reader of his first week at Strathclyde University strolling around the Students' Union when an announcement came over the Tannoy that to avoid congestion on the stairs, would everyone going up the stairs keep to the right, and everyone going downstairs keep to the left. Chaos ensued.

Got the message

OUR story about English folk not knowing the phrase, "going for the messages" reminds Sue Forsyth in Bearsden: "Arrived in Motherwell 54 years ago from Windsor. A housekeeper was hired as Mother unwell. Her questions to my baffled Father included, 'Have ye a line fur the messages?" 'Do ye want me tae get anything from the Fleshing?' 'Do you like black pudding?' and 'What's yer Co-op divi number?'"

What's the story

GLASGOW stand-up Janey Godley mused this week: "Everyone must have a story when they met someone very famous out of context, and because our brains are wired to recognise them, they thought they knew them. Mine was saying, 'Hello, how's your maw?' to singer Noel Gallagher in Soho because I thought he used to drink in my pub in Glasgow. He just said, 'Yeah, fine' and I wanted to throw myself on the road I was so embarrassed."

Any other examples?

Get to bottom

ANIMAL lovers out there may identify with this vignette as journalist Lucy Freeman reveals: "Friend takes cat to vet. Vet takes cat's temperature rectally. Cat promptly bites friend. Vet says to friend, 'Oh, dear, is that biting normal?' Friend says furiously, 'I don't bloody know, do I? I've never shoved anything up his a***'."

Whistle blower

SPARE a thought for Herald sports obituary writer Matt Vallance who, on hearing that former top referee and SRU president Allan Hosie was "not at all well" in Ayr Hospital, telephoned the Hosie residence to enquire after Allan's health – only to have his call answered by the man himself, who told him: "Is this you making house calls, touting for business? Well, I'm not dead yet."

Sadly for Allan, the consultant has told him to stop smoking his beloved cigars. But he is making progress and accepting the diagnosis.

Being Frank

TODAY'S pice of daftness comes from a Glasgow reader who emails: "Albert Einstein was a genius, but his brother Frank was a monster."

In the soup

TRICKY all this new technology. As Glasgow SNP MP Stewart McDonald admits: "So I meant to text my partner asking him if he’d like me to make a pot of soup for tonight and instead I accidentally sent it to the SNP MP WhatsApp group. My colleagues are now texting me soup orders..."