Balls up

WE'VE mentioned a few American tourists, and Derek Service tells us of being in an Edinburgh eatery where an American visitor had ordered haggis. It was one of these places where they use an ice cream scoop to serve the haggis, mashed potatoes and turnip in small round balls. Expecting a larger portion, the American asked the waiter: "This looks awesome. Can I have another couple of haggis balls?” The waiter could not stop himself from replying: "How many balls do you think a haggis has?”

Snared

WE asked for your tales of meeting someone famous, and Charlie McGuire in Rothesay relates: "I can just about recall going to see Elvis Costello and The Attractions at one of the famous New Wave nights at Paisley's late and great Silver Threads Hotel circa 1976. At the interval, having had several refreshments too many, and fancying myself as a drummer, I decided to show off my skills on the band's kit. I was still warming up when an extremely irate Mr Costello charged up and, without uttering a word, grabbed me by the throat and unceremoniously threw me off the drums, much to the delight of my pals who were most impressed by my 'meeting' with the volatile Declan MacManus."

How low?

OUR stories of the parsimony of Paisley Buddies remind entertainer Andy Cameron: "Back in the 60s when I worked at Rootes in Linwood there was a Johnstone man, Hughie Campbell, whose disdain for everything Paisley was legend. He swore that St Mirren fans attending Love Street invented limbo dancing, and that his Paisley brother-in-law had got a hole in one at the golf – and denied it! I took all of this with a pinch of salt until I heard of the Long Bar – a pub in Paisley that every 10 years had a happy minute."

It's a date

TODAY'S piece of whimsy comes from a reader who tells us: "My local newsagents has a sign in the window saying it has 2019 calendars for sale. It's not that busy a shop though. I can’t see it shifting that many."

Tale o' the bank

OH my goodness, there's no need for this – after The Herald reported that tug boats were called to the Nautica cruise ship which had slipped its mooring lines during Storm Ali at Greenock – a Glasgow reader phones to ask us: "Was it not the case that the passengers cut the lines after they found out where they were docked?"

Flushed

READER John Woods muses: "Interesting to note that Tesco is going to call its new range of discount stores to take on Aldi and Lidl, 'Jack's'. Wonder if the marketing geniuses behind this branding realised that in Ireland 'going to the Jacks' actually means going to the toilet."

That'll teach him

AN East Dunbartonshire reader was in a discussion with friends about public sector workers and whether they did a decent day's work. Eventually one chap declared: "Nurses, firemen and the police all work shifts. Teachers don't. They're a right shiftless lot." Says our reader: "I had to wonder whether he had a bad time at school."

Starchy

THE Herald reported that opposition parties voted against assessing children in primary one. As Archie Burleigh in Skelmorlie tells us: "I would suggest that the kids have nothing to fear about their pending assessment tests if the following is a bellwether for performance. I was picking my son up from school and overheard a lady saying to her P4 kid, 'What carbohydrate did you have today?' I wonder what response you would elicit if you posed the same question on a typical high street?"