SLOW down, you move too fast. That was the advice of leading traffic experts Simon and Garfunkel who also, as they were writing in 1967, went on to assert: “Hello lamppost, what'cha knowin’/I’ve come to watch your flowers growin’.”

Alas, given that lampposts are made of concrete and metal, this proved a rather futile exercise. However, the idea of slowing down began to seep at snail’s pace into human consciousness until, 50 years later, Edinburgh instituted a 20mph speed limit on many of its roads.

This week, it was claimed that, as a result, the number of road deaths and serious injuries had been cut by a third. Can’t argue with that, even if it is based on statistics.

As a citizen of Scotland’s peculiarly grey capital, I have to admit that, at first, I was sceptical of this 20mph caper.

I didn’t have any statistics, I just had experience, and it seemed a bit nuts to be tootling forth at what seemed painfully slow speed along a broad leafy avenue upon which you never saw a pedestrian from one year to the next.

The fact that the 20 limit isn’t actually enforced and that most drivers ignore it would also seem to cast doubt on the stats. However, from time to time, you will see some conscientious, law-abiding citizen keeping to 20 and leading a trail of impatient motorists behind him.

To these obedient stalwarts I am grateful – when I am a pedestrian. Once, I did see a pedestrian on one of those leafy avenues. It was me and the slow cars allowed me to waddle across the road at relative leisure.

Indeed, furth of soundbites, statistics and politicking, little is said about the new behaviours required both as pedestrians and drivers. With apologies for introducing a note from the real world, what happens at first when you see a 20mph convoy approaching is that, while waiting to cross, you underestimate how slow it is till you get fed up waiting and cross when it is nearly upon you.

It makes you feel like these hesitant, over-careful drivers who decide belatedly to join the traffic on a busy road and nearly kill everyone. But, eventually, you start to learn when to cross, which you do on the assumption that the 20mph driver isn’t going to finish texting then speed up.

There’s also a learning curve for drivers who have to wait for what seems like an eternity for the 20mph brigade to go by before they can join the traffic or turn right. Same thing applies as with pedestrians: at first, you get fed up then rush in when the convoy is nearly upon you.

Part of the problem is you will hardly find a worse collection of loonies than car drivers. Many main roads in the capital are still 30 but the dumber driver still crawls along at 20.

They’re like these clots in caps (inevitably; perhaps the cap constricts the brain) who do 45 on 60 roads. You think: “Well, I guess it’s fine that they’re being cautious.” Then you see them sticking to the same 45 in a 30 zone where children are playing.

The only possible explanation is that their clown feet have got stuck in the pedals. Note to road safety legislators: the brain-dead should not be allowed to drive.

I’d say my jury is half-in half-out on these 20mph limits, but I am coming round to them. If it saves one child’s life, then let’s just to do it. It’s just about learning new behaviour and, in the words of the aforementioned Simon etc, “Ba da-da da-da da-da, feelin’ groovy.”

SPEAKING of bairns, there’s been a terrific stooshie about assessing primary 1 kids to see if they’re any good.

Politically, the distinct whiff of a massive rodent can be detected in the various parties’ zealous opposition to these assessments, which seem to be harmless games that desperate fury-fomenters are trying to present as some sort of stressful exam that reduces the bairns to tears.

Instead, it seems the children don’t even know they’re being “tested” – aged 5, the human infant is desperately dim – and seem to think it’s a bit of fun. They don’t even get marked on it.

All the same, I don’t know that I approve of tests and, certainly, I don’t believe children should start school till they’re at least 10.

Secondary school, I believe, should be scrapped altogether. It pretty much destroyed me, sapping my morale and self-belief, leaving me the broken man you see before you today.

Meanwhile, every day, I wake up in the afternoon and thank Jesus, Buddha and Trump (like to cover my bases) that I don’t have to sit exams any more. I hated them more than I hate life itself.

However, if you’re asking me to play a few computer games, like the P1 assessments, and even giving me a wee badge afterwards, then count me in.

BAD news: Edinburgh is getting bigger. They’re saying that the controversial capital will even outstrip Glasgow for size by 2032, which sounds like a suspiciously precise prediction.

Edinbigger’s growth is largely attributed to refugees fleeing England. Here, they are given a warm welcome, before voting for the same policies that ruined England and threaten to undermine Scotland.

Still, we’re all Jock Tamson’s bairns even if, at the time of going to press, Mrs Tamson remains unidentified.

They say Edinburgh will grow to half its size again, which is a shame. Half the beauty of the place is that it’s small enough to traverse on foot (well, feet preferably; I tried hopping it once and nearly died).

They’re also saying we’ll need more houses and offices, which doubtless means more glass boxes designed by Scotland’s famously unimaginative architects.

The stats are bogus anyway as they include Leith which – with its better climate and nicer people – is not and never will be a part of Edinburgh.