I HAD always assumed that being somewhat challenged in the sartorial department would preclude me from having to ever write on the subject.

How wrong I was. Because here we are.

My style icons are Sporty Spice, Morticia Addams and Nora Batty. With a dash of Columbo and Eleanor Oliphant thrown in.

I decided some years ago to adopt the Steve Jobs approach to clothing matters by having multiple duplicates of the same item in my wardrobe.

For the late Jobs that was a black polo neck and jeans. For me, it's a black empire-line dress teamed with 70 denier black opaque tights and black Nike trainers. It means I don't have to agonise over what to wear when I get up in the morning. Just shower, dress and go.

People will try to force you to wear colour. Like in the photograph which accompanies this column. You must resist at all costs.

I recently bought a yellow anorak thinking it would be bright, cheerful and make me visible to search-and-rescue helicopters should I ever get lost.

I have since discovered that yellow anoraks are very "in" right now. Walk down any high street from Portree to Peebles and you will find the pavements awash with folk strutting along like proud canaries. Forget standing out from the crowd. I am the crowd.

Anyway, who needs the catwalks of New York, London, Milan and Paris? I have been instructed to provide your alternative fashion forecast. Buckle up …

Vinyl is king

According to my fashion sources this is the hot tip. Gucci sent a male model down the Paris runway in red vinyl shorts with a silver zip. It looked like a giant nappy.

Don't let that deter you. Wet-look, wipe-clean, whatever you want to call it, is not to be scoffed at.

Granted, it may be a tad awkward (such as making an embarrassing squeaking noise when you sit down, being unbearably warm due to the unbreathable nature of the fabric etc) but I'm choosing to focus on the positive practicalities.

Spilled yoghurt all down your front? Nasty coffee stain? A quick dab with a damp cloth and voila, it's as good as new again. Super low-maintenance.

Dubious headwear

Balaclavas are having a fashion moment with Calvin Klein and Gucci peddling this trend. Uh-oh. Bad hat hair is one thing but the ravages of balaclava barnet are a fresh circle of hell. Hello Worzel Gummidge! As someone who is a slave to anti-static conditioner, I'm sitting this one out.

Creature comforts

Zebra. Cheetah. Snake. Giraffe. Cow. Leopard. Tiger. Faux only! All worn at once. Clashing. The more retina-searing the combination, the better. Bet Lynch is your spirit animal.

Channelling BDE

That's Big Dress Energy. Statement gowns such as the bubble-gum pink one worn by Jodie Comer as Villanelle in Killing Eve are the only frocks to be seen in. Swish!

Hiking boot chic

With oodles of eye-popping bling. Think Elton John scales Schiehallion. Kendal Mint Cake optional.

Medallion louche

Whisper it: the medallion is back. Although for Scottish men of a certain age they never actually went away. Chest hair and gaping shirts mandatory. I'll regret saying that …

The cult of avocado

ENOUGH about fashion. It's time to get down to the real burning issue of the week: have we reached peak avocado?

Costa Coffee has found itself in hot water with the Advertising Standards Agency over a radio commercial that encouraged people to buy bacon rolls or egg muffins by poking fun at what it later described as the "unpredictability of the avocado".

The voiceover for the now banned ad said: "Oh, there's a great deal on ripen-at-home avocados. Sure, they'll be hard as rock for the first 18 days, three hours and 20 minutes, then they will be ready to eat for about 10 minutes, then they'll go off."

What fools! Avocados are not ripe for mockery. They are beyond reproach. As if we needed any further proof of that, the hallowed fruit took centre stage during the 2019 Michelin Guide launch in London last week.

The food bible teamed up with the World Avocado Organisation to celebrate all things green and slimy. You can just picture the meeting which led to that collaboration. "How do we make ourselves more relevant to Millennials?" Pause. Tumbleweed. Eureka. "Avocados!".

Let's face it, it was either that or Pugs. Meh. I don't get the avocado hype. It's just posh mushy peas.

Geyser break

I WAS fascinated to hear about the list of objects coughed up by the Ear Spring geyser in Yellowstone National Park.

During a recent eruption, the hot spring ejected coins, bottles, a handful of cigarette ends, part of a cement block, a plastic spoon, a straw, a blue pencil and a baby's dummy from the 1930s.

It put me in mind of the sofa in a flatshare where I lived during my twenties. This was the late 1990s, but the relic settee was at least two decades older. The cushions were frayed and the stuffing hanging out. It was about as comfortable as sitting on a hedgehog.

After much cajoling the landlord finally agreed to replace it and, before lugging the three-seater off to the dump, had stuck his hand down the back, presumably in the hope of finding a few coins. The first thing he pulled out was a feather earring.

I watched agog as a startling array of curio were slowly unearthed. It was like a time capsule in homage to the many residents who had lived there over the years.

A glove. An alarming number of used cotton buds. Loose change totalling £17.86. A dog biscuit. A yellowed newspaper cutting about a wedding.

Still it kept coming. We realised the stitching had worn away at the sides allowing things to slip through and fill the cavernous space beneath like the world's most revolting Aladdin's Cave.

Balled up tissues. A lucky rabbit's foot. Three golf tees. A sizeable clump of hair. A bra. A remote control. Fossilised pizza toppings. A gold tooth. I have blocked out the rest.