Taking the mike

OUR story about the coach trip announcement reminds former Ayrshire MP Brian Donohoe: "The story was told about the councillors away on official business who had a 'good' lunch while away and on return the town clerk informed the provost that there was a £15 deficit on the bill for the lunch. The provost told the town clerk to leave it to him. He grabbed the mike on the bus they had hired and told his fellow councillors, 'I've just been informed by the clerk that we have a deficit of £15. I propose we give that to the driver. All in favour?'"

Makes you smile

ARE folk looking a bit glum these days? We only ask as a reader was down in Cambridge on business where he heard an American tourist say to her husband: "Don't forget, they think smiling is a sign of idiocy here."


A READER questioned the high price of coffee in some establishments, and a fellow reader tells us: "I bought a latte and a biscuit for me and the wife in a trendy London cafe, but when I tried to pay for it, the server said, 'Sorry, we don't take £50 notes' So I had to give her two twenties and a ten."

Treated royally

WE asked for your porridge tales and a reader reminded us of the tourist at Kelvingrove Art Gallery who asked in the gift shop for a porridge spurtle to buy for someone as a souvenir. The assistant behind the counter said they had none in stock but added: "The Palace might have one. Would you like me to give them a call?" The visitor almost jumped up and down with excitement as she told her pal: "They're going to phone the palace!" not realising the assistant was referring to the People's Palace over on Glasgow Green.

What a line

GROWING old continued. Says Alan Barlow in Paisley: "I was at the pub the other night when I met an old pal. On meeting I asked after his health to which he replied, 'If I was still working I'd be aff on the sick.' Quite logical I thought, and this will now be my standard reply to questions about my wellbeing."


A STUNNING picture in The Herald yesterday of the torrents of water cascading onto the Rest and Be Thankful road which led to its closure. Our favourite Rest and Be Thankful story was of the Newton Mearns chap who stopped at the viewpoint there, where a lone piper was playing a soulful lament, watched by a quiet yet appreciative audience. When he finished he went into his case and brought out a container. Assuming he was passing it around for donations, our reader stepped forward, hand outstretched with a pile of coins, only to realise too late that the piper was unscrewing an urn and scattering the ashes of a loved one at the viewpoint.

It was an awkward few moments before our generous reader could slip away.

Packing his trunk

IT'S been hard for many football fans in Glasgow to accept that two Edinburgh teams, Hearts and Hibs, are at the top of the football league table just now. A Rangers fan defiantly phones to tell us: "Hearts at the top of the league is like an elephant up a tree. You have no idea how it got there, but you know it won't stay there for long."


THE news stories about professional golfers accidentally hitting spectators with their balls reminds Sam Brown at Biggar Golf Club of their late secretary who held the record over the years of hitting 22 people, a dog, a seagull and a sheep. Any other tales of wayward shots?