Bit of a hit

WAYWARD golf shots continued. Says John Robertson: "A good few years ago at Carnwath golf club, before they moved the green for the par three second hole away from the main road, a Carnwath player's tee shot bounced out onto the road. It then hit the service bus and bounced back into play and onto the green.

"His opponent made the obvious comments about luck, but the Carnwath player's response was, 'I knew the bus would be on time'."

Plane sailing

OUR tales about traveling to the islands remind Scott Macintosh in Killearn: "For a while the islands were served by the twin-engined turbo-prop, the BAe ATP aircraft. At that time Highlands and Islands Airports gave a discount to single-engined aircraft, and such was the poor reliability of the ATP's engines, pilots claimed it qualified."

And writer Meg Henderson recalls a funeral party arriving off the ferry at Arran from Ardrossan. Says Meg: "Watching the boat coming into Brodick we saw the mainland mourners assemble at the end of the pier, waiting for the 'guest of honour' to be brought to them to head up the procession. The coffin though did not follow them off and then a red-faced person hastened up the gangway again, to return to Ardrossan and bring the coffin on the next boat. Talk about being late for your own funeral."

Uniform response

A GLASGOW reader swears he heard a young woman criticising her pal for drinking too much and the pal defending herself by saying: "What's wrong with fancying a man in a uniform?" But her pal replied: "Honey, he was a statue of a pilot in a travel agent's doorway."

Facing the music

MORE on growing old. A reader in Bearsden tells us: "I remember in my early twenties being at a party in the west end when the police arrived saying they had a complaint about the loud music. I couldn't believe someone would complain as it was only one in the morning. Then the other night I was disturbed by loud music nearby at half-past nine and I found myself itching to phone the police."

A NEWS story the other week was of a giant statue of Hollywood actor Jeff Goldblum being temporarily positioned next to London's Tower Bridge to mark the 25th anniversary of Steven Spielberg's blockbuster Jurassic Park. Jeff seems a nice guy as writer Chris Kelly, who helps put together the American comedy series Saturday Night Live, revealed at the weekend: "Someone once introduced Jeff Goldblum to me at a party by saying, 'This is Chris Kelly,' and he exclaimed, 'My god, of course!' I couldn't believe it. He knew who I was?

"Then he proceeded to say, 'My god, of course!' to every person he was introduced to. I love Jeff Goldblum."

Any other good ways to introduce yourself?

Being a princess

TALKING of America, President Trump took the time to declare on his Twitter account: "Princess Eugenie of York was a truly beautiful bride yesterday. She has been through so much, and has come out a total winner!" We are still trying to work out what she has been through but nevertheless some Americans felt there were more pressing matters for the president. As one replied to him: "Did Princess Eugenie have her house destroyed by Hurricane Michael?"

Being nosey

TODAY'S piece of daftness comes from a reader who emails: "Did you know that the flame of a candle smells like burning nasal hair?"