Swinging time

WAYWARD golf shots, continued. A Cumnock reader tells us: "My wife got fed up with me going to the golf course and suggested she would like to take it up. I eventually gave in, and our first round of golf together was at the relatively quiet Muirkirk Golf Club. My tee shot at the first hit the large tree to the left, rebounded, and struck my wife on the leg. A foursome walking up the 18th fairway burst into laughter. My wife stomped off claiming I had played the shot on purpose, and has never been back on a course.

"We have taken up cycling, it's safer."


THE Bank of England is having a new design for their £50 note and already there is an on-line petition, opposed by many, to have the late Tory Prime Minister Margaret Thatcher on it. A reader emails to tell us: "It would be a fitting tribute to Margaret Thatcher and her legacy, as no working class person will ever get to see one."

Steel yourself

WE mentioned nicknames that only applied to police officers, and a retired officer states: "One shift at our office was called The Ghurkas - because they never took any prisoners."

It figures

WE were reminiscing about the Lladro figurines that thousands brought back from Spain in the seventies, and Derek Miller in Torrance tells us: "Years ago I was an executor for a perjink old aunt who had sadly passed away. I was charged with distributing various treasures, and one instruction was to deliver her Lladro figurines to a sister who lived 14 storeys up in a Glasgow skyscraper. Trouble was that there were around 100 of the garish ornaments to be rehoused, and a few round trips in the lift duly led to aunty number two being the proud recipient of half the Lladro factory’s output in her tiny wee flat.

"I beat a hasty retreat before being asked to arrange the collection on every available worktop and space."

Echo that

ANOTHER sign we are getting old. Edinburgh businessman Kevin Hague says: "You know that thing when kids accidentally call their teacher 'Mum' when asking a question? A teacher friend tells me that a kid called her 'Alexa' recently."

Hitting the bottle

WE liked the interview with Toryglen lad Jim Kerr, the Simple Minds singer, in Forbes Magazine, where he recalled the band's single Don't You Forget About Me going to number one in America while he was on a promotional tour in France. Said Jim: "So I go down to the bar and it’s me and the barman. And I say, 'Open a bottle of champagne. A really, really good one.' He says, 'Well, who are you celebrating with?' And I said, 'No one.' He said, 'Why are you celebrating?' I said, 'Well, I’m in this band and we’re Number 1 in America.' And he looks at me like, 'Yeah, right'.

"Everyone who walks into the bar, I’m like, 'Give that man a drink!' It cost me a fortune, and I don’t think anyone believed me."

Giving him stick

IT'S stretching it a little, but our stories about porridge remind a reader of James Crosby's book on Scottish prisons, entitled Peterhead Porridge, which tells of Glasgow gang boss Arthur Thompson working in Barlinnie's mailbag shop with a chap with a bad leg who needed a stick to get around. Every few days Arthur would secretly saw a bit off the end before replacing the rubber tip.

After a few weeks the chap was noticeably hunched over his stick, and demanding medical treatment for a bad back, which amused Arthur. It was only when Thompson was transferred to Peterhead that he presented his victim with a new full-length stick which effected an immediate cure for his bad back.