Acting up

OUR tales of awkward introductions remind former Still Game actor Jimmy Martin: "I was introduced to a woman at Partick Cross by a mutual friend who said, 'This is Jimmy, he works in television'. 'I wish tae God you'd come up and look at mine,' she replied. 'I don't know what's wrong with it'."

Face time

NEWSPAPER sports pages have been writing about Dutch legend Ruud Gullit saying good things about the late Scotland star Davie Cooper whom he had named in his all-time XI along with Diego Maradona and Johan Cruyff. Much has been written about Davie's consummate footballing skills, but we always remember a Diary acquaintance telling us of many years ago taking his young son to Kilbowie to watch Clydebank play. The ball cannoned out of play into the terracing and caught his son full in the face. Davie Cooper, who was playing that day, came over, patted the lad's head, and asked, 'Are you all right, wee man?'' He then stopped long enough to sign an autograph before getting on with the game.

Zip it

WE'VE all been there I suspect. A Glasgow primary teacher tells us she had just seen the last of the children into school after the bell had gone when a harassed mother hurried over with her daughter and announced: "Sorry we're late. Today's the day Ava announced she could zip up her jacket by herself."

Stone me

HAVE you ever joined the board of a small company or charity? Then you might agree with Dave Biggart who tells us: "You can guarantee a far-away look will come over the faces of the attendees at any AGM when it is time for the financial information imparted by the treasurer. So some years ago the treasurer of a curling club simply stood up and said, 'Some came in, and some went out, and we have some left'. It was the best ever received financial statement and to everyone's relief no questions were asked and the treasurer sat down. Almost a round of applause."

It's the law

WE mentioned police nicknames and a retired officer said that when a group of Scottish officers was down in London working with the Met Police on a complicated case, they were known as the Ojays. Not an obvious nickname but originally the London bobbies had been calling them Jocks, and as this was eventually frowned on as being culturally insensitive it was changed to Ojays - short for Obnoxious Jocks.

Moving on

AS we try to make sense of the latest Brexit posturing we turn to comedian Chris Addison who declares: "Trying to explain to Theresa May that the EU are still not going to accept her pitch however many times she makes it feels a bit like explaining to your mate for the 19th time that his ex has moved on and him agreeing, you feeling relieved he’s got it, then spotting him in a flower shop."

Playing around

WAYWARD golf shots, continued. Says Gordon Smith: "We were playing at one of the more challenging Ayrshire courses, and one of our party was notorious for his temper tantrums. At one hole he hit a particularly vicious slice into the boondocks, let rip with the expletives and threw his club after the ball. The other three of us played our shots and just before we set off in the search party for both the ball and club, Big Terry said, 'Do ye no' think ye should throw a provisional, jist in case'."