Performance marred

ACTOR Alan Cumming is to receive an outstanding contribution to film and television award at the Scottish Baftas next month. Older readers will recall that Alan first made his name with fellow actor Forbes Masson with their stage show Victor and Barry which was about two Kelvinside thespians. A young reporter on the Scotsman gave the show such a bad review that they incorporated the reporter into a version of Dean Friedman's song Lucky Stars with the line "We can thank you, Andrew Marr, that you're not as smart as you'd like to think you are.'' We wonder whatever happened to that young reporter?

As you like it

ONCE again we are reminded how clever folk who run bookshops are. The Highland Bookshop in Fort William has the front window temporarily boarded up after a young chap under the influence of alcohol drove a shopping trolley into it, smashing the glass. Instead of simply leaving a blank piece of wood, staff have written on it "But soft, what light though yonder window BREAKS? Shakespeare (Maybe)"

But just in case that's too highbrow they have added "Open as usual. We've a SMASHING selection of books inside."


WAYWARD golf shots, continued. Says Peter Hunter: "At one of our golf outings at Bathgate Golf Club a number of years ago, one of the party hit a wild slice which landed on a passing goods train on the nearby railway. At the prize giving he was awarded the longest drive as we assumed his ball ended up at least a few hundred miles away."

Going to the palace

SHOCKING news as our sister paper The Evening Times claims that Glasgow's People's Palace will have to close because of expensive repairs being required. Not only are the exhibits on Glasgow's past interesting to see but they also have great staff there. A reader once told us that he burst out laughing when he saw a photograph of the shipyard apprentices' strike in 1960 there and realised that he was in it. The noise brought the attention of an attendant who didn't come over to tell him to be quiet but simply told him: "Aye, if you didn't feel old before, you should now, if you're a museum exhibit,'' before carrying on his merry way.

Frosty reception

WE mentioned nicknames of polis officers and a retired officer tells us: "We had one called the Snowman. He got the name as he frequently dismissed any difficulty with the words, 'S'no ma beat, s'no ma problem'."

Paws for thought

THE Herald reported that the late Stephen Hawking had left a video message reminding younger generations to "Look up at the stars and not down at your feet". This prompted Diary reader David Clark in Tarbolton to reminisce: "There must have been nae dug dirt on the pavements where he was brought up. Living in Springside where I was brought up 'the dugs', i.e. greyhound racing was a popular pastime as it invariably involved gambling. Greyhounds were walked around the village on leashes, sometime with as many as three in each hand. One had to tread carefully to avoid the inevitable trail of faeces left behind."

Well we're glad Dave got that off his mind, or should we say shoe.

No more nice Guy

MARTIN Morrison points out: "There was a fire in the roof space of Skibo Castle this week. Thankfully, nobody was injured and the damage was contained. The BBC Highland news reminded us that it was the venue of the wedding of Madonna and Guy Ritchie in 2000. Curiously that marriage also went up in flames."

A bit rocky

TODAY'S piece of daftness comes from stand-up Tony Cowards who says: "To the woman who asked me to impersonate Sly Stallone and I replied, 'I'll be back', I apologise for giving you the wrong impression."