Lofty ambition

OUT of the mouths of babes - David in Cumbernauld tell us: "A teaching assistant friend was trying to engage with a young reticent pupil asking if he had a nice weekend. He said it was good as he got pocket money from his dad. When asked for what he told her it was for helping his dad water the plants he was growing in the loft. It could of course have been mushrooms!"

All talk

GLASGOW SNP MP David Linden made the news when he had to repeat a question in the House of Commons as the English Government Minister couldn't understand his accent even after he repeated himself. David himself had to declare on social media: "I sense that my friends back home aren't going to let this one go any time soon" after he sent a text message to a pal who simply replied: "Sorry mate I didn't catch that, can you say it again?"

I should Coco

ON police officers' nicknames, Gerry MacKenzie relates: "When I worked at Maryhill years ago there was a sergeant, bald on top but with thick, black, wiry hair round the side, who was known as Coco, after the circus clown. He tumbled to that and was furious. The next day at muster he threatened all sorts if they continued to refer to him as Coco. He stormed out the muster room and within seconds one of the older troops said,"OK, guys. I reckon it's Billy Smart from henceforth'."

Nicked it

FORMER Lib Dem leader Nick Clegg getting a top job with Facebook has got lots of folk talking. Muses Mark Boyle in Johnstone: "With the appointment of Nick Clegg, is Mark Zuckerberg about to rename his company Twofacedbook?"

All adds up

OUR story about annual meetings of small organisations reminded Foster Evans: "A leading auditor once told me about attending a bowling club AGM in Clydebank. The meeting was a bit unruly. The chairman called the meeting to order to hear the auditor's report by saying, 'this wee fat Tory has come all the way from Glasgow, so shut up and listen'."

Cup runneth over

THE Herald news story about sites being identified for a possible replacement for Barlinnie Prison prompts our old chum Robert Jeffrey, author of the jail's history, The Barlinnie Story, to recall the classic tale: "A chaplain told me about one old lag trusted to make the tea and coffee for meetings. The guy was not hot on hygiene and had to be reminded that doing the dishes meant more that a quick swirl under the cold tap. At the next meeting he arrived with a steaming tray of beverages and asked, 'who wanted the clean cup?'"

All that jazz

ALAN Morton from Melrose was at the Callander Jazz & Blues Festival where Jim Crumley was performing a sensitive repertoire of acoustic jazz guitar in the town’s intimate deli-cafe. Says Alan: "As Jim was getting into the groove, an elderly local inhabitant entered, ordered a bowl of soup and hanging her stick on the back of her chair commenced a conversation with a visiting young couple opposite. As Jim warmed to his theme, the good lady was obliged to raise her voice, until, well into the proceedings, she looked round, spotted the guitarist immediately behind her and announced in surprise, 'oh, so that’s where the music is coming from!' Jim simply smiled and carried on.

In the swing

WAYWARD golf shots, continued. Says David Stubley in Ayrshire: "While playing at Prestwick St Cuthbert Golf Club a few years ago I was struck on the knee by a golf ball driven (badly) from an adjoining tee. As I lay there massaging my knee the perpetrator rushes up and apologised explaining, 'I didn't shout in case you moved'. I am sill trying to work out his logic."