Toy story

SAYS George Crawford in West Kilbride: "I was in a shop that purveys toys in Irvine at the weekend, and heard the first, 'If ye dinnae stoap yon greetin, Santa'll no bring ye nuthin' of winter. Is this a record?"

That's a wrap

THAT great children's adventure film The Goonies was on the telly the other day. Declares comedy writer Sanjeev Kohli: "In Scotland the film The Goonies is called The Housecoats."

Picture this

A GLASGOW reader swears he heard a woman on the bus into town tell her pal: "My boyfriend's that thick that when he saw on my portable TV the sign 'Built in antenna' he said he didn't know where that was."

Ya dancer

THE Herald reported that a petition had been started to oppose the opening of a strip club in Kirkcaldy. It reminds us of when blind singer Michael Cannon was appearing in Bellshill and enthusiastic fans invited him to join them in visiting a strip club. ''There's not much point,'' said Michael, ''unless the girls are handing out brass rubbings.''


TRICKY business this helping the environment business. Jinty McPherson was travelling on the LNER train from Aberdeen to Edinburgh where she ordered a yoghurt as part of the breakfast service. Until now the yoghurts had a little plastic spoon under the lid but the lids now have printed on them the claim: "Our lids with a spoon are a goner...saving a whopping 35 tonnes of plastic a year!" Yes, well done LNER. But beside the yoghurt there is now a plastic spoon in a cellophane wrapper. Jinty wonders who in LNER thinks that this makes sense.

Flaming nuisance

WE end our stories of police officers' nicknames with many readers reminding us of the classics - Signal for the sergeant who was seen as a tube with stripes and Olympic Flame for the superintendent who never went out of his office.

But in a variation of the salt'n'sauce and salt'n'vinegar debate which splits Scotland down the middle comes the police variation with David Russell telling us: "In Glasgow amongst serving officers they are known as Police Offices but in Edinburgh they are Police Stations. I wonder where the division between the two lies."

Icy response

WE are still trying to understand what is happening in the Brexit negotiations. Writer David Schneider sees the headline in a newspaper "EU Withdrawal deal is 95% settled, Theresa May to tell Commons" and explains: "Don't forget that 95% of the Titanic maiden voyage was perfectly pleasurable uneventful cruising."

Rings a bell

SCOTTISH saxophonist Tommy Smith is a musician of the social media age, with a Facebook page and a Twitter account. However his current tour, which includes a date at the Glasgow Royal Concert Hall next month, began in Dorking in Surrey with a town crier announcing his appearance. Tommy now wonders if he will have to explain to the students on the jazz course he runs at the Royal Conservatoire of Scotland what a town crier is.