Wee problem

OUR tales about Hampden Park remind Barry Wilson in Paisley of attending a midweek Scotland game there on a winter's night in the 1970s. Says Barry: "At half-time we visited the toilet, which had a drainage problem. There was a lake, two inches deep, being topped up by a line of men. It was a frosty night. My brother-in-law said to one man who was actually standing in the lake, 'It’s a bit rough in here'. 'Aye', he replied, 'but it keeps your feet warm'.”


SCOTS comedian Karen Dunbar is returning to the King's Theatre in Glasgow next summer for a two-week run of the musical comedy Calendar Girls. We remember when Karen appeared at the King's in her first panto, Sleeping Beauty, alongside the late great Gerard Kelly. She told a press conference that Gerard had advised her just to be herself on stage and not attempt to be Meryl Streep. The next question was from a reporter who asked: "What will you bring to the role?" "Sliced sausage," replied Karen.

Let's face it

A READER in Glasgow heard two women arguing in a city centre bar with one claiming the other was pretty miserable and not good company. He passes on that she ended her argument with: "The only way you could put a smile on someone's face is if you carved a pumpkin for Hallowe'en."

Death wish

WE'VE mentioned people being a bit self-obsessed. A reader tells us that he and his wife had both lost elderly parents recently, and soon after met a distant relative who told them: "I know youse two have had a tough time with your parents dying and that, but wait till I tell you about the week I've just had".

Having a flutter

WAYWARD golf shots, continued. Says Pat Simpson: "Another golf and seagull story, as I knew a young lad who returned from pitch and putt with a dazed seagull that he had hit with a wayward shot. He took it home and put it in the garden to see if it would recover. When it tried to take off, it only managed to flutter over the hedge and land in the next-door garden. His 'Please can I have my seagull back?' request to the neighbour made a change from the usual fitba’ request."

Dinner time

COMEDY actor Robin Askwith – it took the British film industry years to recover from his Confessions of a Window Cleaner – was reminiscing yesterday about the late Leonard Rossiter of Rising Damp fame. Said Robin: "Leonard was born 92 years ago today. While filming Britannia Hospital in a functioning mental institution, Leonard and I were queuing up for lunch one day when he was informed, 'Sorry, mate, this is for the actors, patients are at two'."

Just great

A READER on holiday in South Africa was looking at a sign offering a dive where you could see great white sharks for just over £100. He heard a fellow Scot holidaymaker loudly muse: "How much would it be if you just wanted to see average white sharks?"

A bit woolly

AFTER our stories about police nicknames, Ian Craig in Strathaven tells us: "Post Falklands War, the troops stationed in the Falklands referred to the indigenous population as 'Bennys', a character from the TV series Crossroads, because many wore similar woollen hats. This term irked the natives and a diktat was issued to serving troops, stating that the term was not to be used. Military humour being such that the nickname 'Stills' was used, as in 'Still Bennys'. This too was banned which led to the nomenclature of Andys, as in 'And he's still a Benny'."

Adds Ian: "Not sure how PC the above is in today’s world." Not very, we can assure him.