Book them

THEY are a clever lot in Glasgow's west end, it has to be said. Singer Jim McJannet was in a Great Western Road bookshop near Kelvinbridge when the owner shouted down from upstairs: "There are three Trollopes up here." Says Jim: "A wee elderly man standing next to me said out the corner of his mouth, 'Phone the vice squad'."

Child play

WE mentioned the start of Christmas shopping with a reader hearing the first claim by a parent to a child that Santa will not be bringing them anything if they don't behave. Reader Will McKee follows this up by telling us: "At Glasgow's SEC at the weekend, an exasperated parent took out their phone and said loudly, 'Can I have the naughty child collection officer, please?'"

Posted missing

A GLASGOW reader heard a woman tell her pal on the train into town: "If I don't see someone on social media for a while I automatically assume the worst – that they're happy."

In reverse

AFTER our nicknames for police officers, Lynda Hood moves us to another branch of the uniformed services by saying: "My late Dad, Tom Hood, took great delight in telling of the nicknames firefighters bestowed on their officers. Most couldn't be printed, but one that can is about the officer who took pride in sharing that, 'The boys call me Toidi'. Apparently, no one ever explained the boys thought he was a bit backward. Fond memories."

Fairy nuff

TODAY'S piece of daftness comes from a reader who emails: "Left my phone under my pillow last night and when I woke up it was gone and there was a pound coin there. I think it was the Bluetooth fairy."

A birdy

OUR tales of seagulls being the victims of golfers remind David Hardie in Edinburgh: "Not a golfing wayward shot, but a few years back Callum Booth, now with Dundee United, but at the time playing for Hibs, managed to take out a seagull flying overhead during a pre-season friendly against Dunfermline at East End Park. I don't know who was more startled, Callum or the seagull which was probably only circling above hoping for a discarded bit of one of the Pars' famous steak bridies."


OUR Barlinnie Prison stories reminded a Milngavie reader: "A friend of mine was once a prison visitor. One of the old lags told him, as many of them do, that he was in there for something he didn't do. He then added, 'Wipe off my fingerprints'."

Doing a runner

AH the age old problem of getting fit. Says a Partick reader: "Eventually I forced myself to try some jogging to lose weight, but after reaching the street corner I went back to the flat as I had forgotten something .

"I had forgotten I was completely out of shape and too fat to start running at my age."

Bottled it

SORRY about this, but our stories about the old Hampden Park have now descended to just gags as Gordon Smith declares: "I remember a cup final back in the 1970s when fans could still take carry-outs into the park. Tense game. There was one guy beside us who spent most the match looking over his shoulder. 'What's up, Jimmy?' we asked. 'Ah'm feart in case wan o' they bottles hits me,' he replied. 'See if yur name's oan it, it'll get ye,' says I. 'That's the problem' he retorted, 'Ma name's McEwan'."