WE’RE awfully sorry, but you’ve chosen an awkward time to join us.

You may have thought you managed to fly under the radar, so to speak, but scientists from the Harvard Smithsonian Centre for Astrophysics have managed to work it out.

Your craft, which we have named Oumuamua, is believed to be a “fully operational probe sent intentionally to Earth vicinity by an alien civilisation,” according to a paper in the Astrophysical Journal Letters.

I mean, if we’d known you were coming…

But here we are, and what can I tell you about human civilisation that will be of interest to our neighbours on your home planet?

In the west, we like to think we’ve achieved a beacon of democracy, setting an example of fairness, decency and reward for success while providing a safety net for times in need.

Impressive, yes? It is until it isn’t.

Unfortunately, the good people of our close cousin America voted to power a chap named Donald Trump. Mr Trump is the son of an immigrant who despises immigrants and the product of what we call “celebrity culture” yet who can’t bear close scrutiny.

Still, they didn’t vote him in for his lack of hypocrisy, they voted him in for, um, maybe best if we move on. It’s only fortunate that America is enjoying a time of relative peace where it isn’t given reason to step into foreign crises. Mr Trump is dishonest, ill-informed and snaps under the slightest pressure. So, I hope you come in peace.

America has this week voted again and the signs are cautiously better. The new elected representatives include a record number of women, a Somali refugee, the first openly gay man to be elected governor and a Mixed Martial Arts fighter.

It’s a setback for Trump and a step forward for America.

While our cousins question what it means to be American, here in Scotland we are engaged in an ongoing conversation about nationhood and identity.

Should we forge forward an an independent country, intent on being the best at everything? Recent ambitions include being the best country for children to grow up in, the most entrepreneurial country in the world, the most caring, the most innovative and the most productive.

This conversation tends to be derailed at times by people getting upset at flags.

Harris Tweed, and you should take some of this back to your home planet, has been given a row over apparently allowing Union flags and “British Tweed” labels to be attached to its products.

The incident has been a small PR nightmare for the Harris Tweed Authority in yet another round of It’s Amazing What Upsets People.

In fact, folk are so upset that our citizens are trying out “news breaks” where they avoid current affairs altogether or deliberately seek out good news stories.

The best we have for you this week is the actress Emma Thompson wearing trainers to collect her Damehood from Prince William at Buckingham Palace.

You may have noticed people sleeping out on the streets during your visit. Those people have no rooms in which to sleep.

Buckingham Palace has 775 rooms, which we happily allow one family to live in, at a cost to the rest of the nation. We think this makes us look good on an international stage.

It’s one of our little quirks.

As Collins dictionary names “gammon” as one of its Word of the Year, a insult describing angry middle-aged white men and a bellwether of how political discourse has intellectually slumped, researchers are calling for a tax on meat.

Meat, a nutrient dense, whole food, is, say University of Oxford researchers, killing people. It is making people ill, putting a strain on the health service and is detrimental to the environment.

While unprecedented numbers of people are using food banks due to in-work poverty, the failure of Universal Credit and austerity, we’d like to recommend a 79 per cent tax rise on a nutritious, affordable food.

This is another of our little quirks. We like to tax things that people enjoy because humankind is both poor at moderation and unhappy at parting with its money.

Another option would be to make healthy food more affordable and slap the penalties on industrial meat production. But, dear alien friends, I’m not in charge.

Young people are our future and so we’re trying our best to nurture and encourage them. Fortunately, our hard work has paid off and we have a new model of citizen: drinking less, smoking less, caring for the environment and ensuring robust health through the intake of good fats from multiple avocado intake.

But be careful what you wish for. The older generation now feels the young have gone too far and have labelled them with the pejorative term “snowflakes”.

And then they do try to rebel, they can’t please either. In Brisol the university is forcing rowdy party-going students (and there was a time this was tautology) to take lessons in how to be better neighbours or face a fine.

We don’t know how to be good neighbours. We’re barely getting by. If I was you, I’d head home. Now. And take me with you.