Going with The Flo

SEEMS to be hotting up on the Brexit front. The old Ukip leader Nigel Farage remonstrated that it was "the worst deal in history". However a Glasgow football fan phones to tell us: "Surely he hasn't forgotten about Rangers signing Tore Andre Flo for £12m?"

And a bit harsh is Andy Gilder who senses some obfuscation from Labour leader Jeremy Corbyn and opines: "Someone tell him Brexit is a Mossad plot designed to harm the Palestinians. It's the only way you'll get The Jezza's attention."

What a bunch

TO cheer us up, we wandered into remarks by children, and retired teacher Margaret Thomson passes on: "Years ago I was taking my primary two class in after playtime. I noticed that wee Jim was still carrying his play-piece, a banana. I asked why he hadn't eaten it, and he said, 'Please, miss, I couldn't get its trousers down'."

A bit flushed

WE asked about laughs in the courtroom and a lawyer tells us: "Years ago there was a case at Kilmarnock Sheriff Court with multiple accused and therefore multiple lawyers. One lawyer stood up and asked, as the witness in court had nothing to do with his client, if he could be excused to go to the toilet. When the Sheriff nodded his agreement a second lawyer jumped up and asked, 'Can I be associated with my learned friend's motion?' It amused us all."

Mother tongue

SOMEHOW we wandered into New Zealand accents, and taking a different tack, Moira Love says: "A few years ago on the Inter-Islander ferry from the North to South Islands, we tore ourselves away from the beautiful scenery to go below to the restaurant for coffees and Lamingtons. We were served by a Maori who would have been perfect for the All Blacks haka.

"As we blethered he asked, 'Do you come from Duntocher by any chance? You speak just like my mother-in-law'."


TODAY'S piece of daftness comes from John Darby who says: "Went to a plastic surgeon and said I needed to talk to someone about making some changes to my nose. He replied, 'OK, I'm all ears.' So I said I would try someone else then."

Well plaid

WHO knew that mentioning John Barrowman sitting on someone's head while wearing a kilt would spark a memory. But as Stewart Logan tells us: "Many years ago I was climbing Curved Ridge on Buachaille Etive Mor. I was wearing the kilt and a friend was following close behind. I inadvertently took a wrong line up the ridge and had to reverse a move. 'Christ, the lights have gone out' was the muffled comment from behind as my friend’s head was enveloped by my kilt."

Ash dash

PROBABLY not the first minister that this has happened to, but the Rev Richard Coles confessed yesterday: "A career first: I went to the wrong crematorium. And never has a speeding ticket been more righteously won."

Light bulb moment

THIS will cheer you up or make you sad. As Matthew McCloy spotted on Monday: "Flat on Anniesland Road with the Christmas lights up already. Man, what’s the world coming to?"