LIKE most not particularly proud Scots, I love chips and would go to war against any malign force that tried to take them away from us (looking at you, seagulls).

Chips are part of our national culture, and most of us will have woken up after an evening of character-building inebriation with a chip or two stuck to our face. But, apart from the actual ingestion of the controversial comestibles, that’s as far as it goes with regard to the application of chips to our physical bodies.

Readers may be surprised to learn, however, that an entirely different kind of chip has been created and that people in even madder countries than ours are having these inserted under their skin.

I am talking about microchips. No, madam, not the wee crinkly ones that take two minutes to cook in the microwave. I refer to computer chips, about the size of a grain of rice, that companies are making their employees have implanted so that they know where they are at any given time.

When I talk about countries even madder than ours, most of you immediately thought “Sweden”, and you were indeed correct. The loopy Scandinavians, who regularly top the official United Nations List of Bonkers Nations, are pioneering this microchip malarkey, with more than 4,000 workers already having had chips inserted.

The reasoning involves teutonic-style efficiency (Scandinavians having been memorably, if deplorably, described as “Germans disguised as human beings”), supposedly speeding up entry into buildings, replacing physical key cards and IDs, but also train tickets. They would also have restrictions built into them so that workers couldn’t breenge into the boss’s office or access sensitive documents.

Being mad, the development has already attracted the attention of the UK, and the company making the chips is said to be in discussions with several British firms. However, even the Confederation of British Industry has described itself as “distinctly uncomfortable” about the practice.

It’s thought that British firms might use the chips on an opt-in basis, but Swedes who’ve already opted for the things are expressing disquiet about the fact that, with technology always changing so fast, they’ll need regular upgrades – you know, like the things your computers do to make things not work any more – and these will require surgery each time.

I think there’s a case for using technology to keep tabs on the movements of, say, children and other pets. Parents already use smartwatches for this. I don’t even mind the Herald on Sunday keeping me on a leash, as long as it’s long enough to let me micturate against a lamppost.

But I grow restive at this feeling that we’re all being spied on and can’t move without someone knowing it. Today, there’s little chance of being able to commit a good old traditional British bank robbery or mugging without it being caught somewhere on camera.

If it isn’t that, then your portable telephone will give away your location as you try to get away. It’s maybe all right in a democracy but what if a dictatorship under Murdo Fraser comes to pass and he is able to track our every move?

No, this is going too far. If I were me, I’d divest myself of all mobile phones and smartwatches, and take to the hills, eking out an existence far from the surveillance state but, ideally, within walking distance of a chippie.

SOME months ago, I commented influentially about a world news aggregator site that groups subjects under headings, either by country or by disturbing subjects such as “Brexit”, “Trump” or “Bicycling”.

Thus, headlines might be “Leaders arrive for Middle East Conference”, “Interest rate hike dismissed”, or “Minister resigns as immigration crisis deepens”. My interest was piqued by the contrasting nature of stories under the heading “Scotland”, particularly on the day we were represented by “Mass brawl in Burntisland” and “Aberdeen man smashed pub televisions with pool cue”.

Well, they’ve done it again. Recent headlines on one day included, under Brexit, “European leaders furious with Commission”. Under World, it was “Austrian ex-officer accused of spying”. Under UK: “People forced to live in tents”. And under Scotland: “‘Pie-eyed’ man caused mayhem in Asda”.

A small part of me thinks this is genuinely representative and that one’s outrage might be a little faux, ken? All the same, it’s discombobulating to think of the world seeing us like this. And it sounds rather hollow to tell oneself: “Surely people in other countries smash pub televisions with pool cues from time to time or cause drunken chaos in Asda?”

Mind you, in other countries, a pub television smasher would probably not be described in court by his lawyer – absolutely true, this – as “a social drinker”.

I think I’ve pretty much given up hope that benevolent aliens are going to arrive in UFOs to save us from ourselves.

YouTube has all but destroyed any rational belief in UFOs, with an endless stream of filmed sightings that never amount to anything more than a blip in the sky that always turns out to have some prosaic explanation.

That said, an intriguing piece of film has turned up from yonder California, showing an orb of light appearing to freefall from the sky until coming to a sudden stop and then being joined by another orb.

Sceptics have been quick to point out that there’s a military base nearby, arguing rationally that it’s probably just the authorities spying on us or deploying test weapons that will neutralise the citizenry should they ever wake up and start rioting.

There were also news reports this week about UFOs off the Irish coast. But these too have been dismissed as meteors, shooting stars or Brexit-supporting aliens trying to find the Irish border.

Knowing my luck, if aliens do turn up, they’ll probably arrive on bicycles, cycling at the speed of light, running over dogs and causing cars to crash into each other while on their way to the White House for talks with the Leader of All Earth.