Bobby's goal

THE news story about the statue being unveiled to Lisbon Lion Bobby Lennox reminds entertainer Andy Cameron: "The charity side Dukla Pumpherston were playing down south, and on the bus somebody suggested that Bobby entertain the company. A Rangers player bet Bobby that he couldn't sing The Sash. 'Of course, ah can,' says Bobby and started, 'Sure it’s old and it is beautiful’ then stopped. He then explained, 'That's all ah know because at that point we always scored, and the Rangers supporters shut up'."

Key to finding it

THE things children say. Boyd Houston in Dollar tells us: "The only conservatory key had gone missing. I challenged our eight-year-old granddaughter, the undoubted suspect. She denied any involvement but did say that she knew that another little girl, who was a bit of a minx, had hidden the key in a black bag in the loft! Sure enough, the key was found."

Toilet humour

BUT we also have to point out that some parents can be a tad competitive, and brag a bit on social media. As Valerie put it: "A friend wrote a Facebook tribute for her son’s second birthday where she called him 'an explorer' and I’m like, 'Calm down, Trisha, all toddlers love sticking their hands in toilets. Greyson is no exception'."

Wanted their coal

WE mentioned posh westenders in Glasgow and Duncan Shaw in Kilwinning says: "I remember watching one of Stanley Baxter’s TV shows from the 1970s when he took a swipe at them. Stanley was from North Kelvinside so he knew what he was talking about. Deadpan, of course, he informed the audience that 'Kelvinside women get their sex every Monday morning.'

"The briefest pause to allow them to absorb that. Then the punchline. 'I’ll have two sex this week coalman!' Wild applause, I think as much from relief as anything else."

Off the cuff

WE mentioned Barbra Paskin's book Dear Dudley which includes the letters sent to film star and comedian Dudley Moore from fellow celebrities when he was seriously ill in an attempt to lift his spirits. It includes the letter from Woody Allen to Dudley which is so Woody Allen. It states: "Heard that you were under the weather and so figured you'd be able to appreciate all the physical problems I've had. Beginning with sinus pains I've had a torn rotator cuff, intestinal reflux, a touch of glaucoma, and mild skin cancer. Add to this several bouts of flu and stomach virus, not to mention a slight hearing loss in my left ear and you see what I've been up against. Sorry to burden you with all this but I feel you'd understand. Get well, stay healthy, Happy Birthday."


WELL, have you been watching I'm A Celebrity on the telly? A reader emails: "I was watching that woman on the TV yesterday. Completely in the dark, floundering about cluelessly, snakes left right and centre, really out of her depth, and trying to make both camps happy.

"And she still thinks she can sell this rubbish Brexit deal to the country."


GROWING old continued. Says Simon Holland: "Nothing sneaks up on you quite like the age where people give you a bird feeder as a gift."

Hand it to him

AND a few folk can probably identify with the quizzer from The Chase, Paul Sinha, who remarked yesterday: "It's that time of year again, when I can't find any of the 17 pairs of gloves I bought last year."