Paints a picture

THE BBC series The Apprentice being filmed at Kelvingrove Art Gallery last week reminds us of a few Diary stories about the gallery, including the reader who told us he was visiting when he heard a little girl, being dragged around by her parents, grumpily declaring: "Great. My two favourite things – walking and learning.”

Blooming heck

WE liked the story the great Sir Alex Ferguson told about how he hated losing at anything, even when he was leading his Manchester United coaching staff in a quiz versus the players. The coaches were ahead by one point, but the players had one question left. "Which artist painted sunflowers." Given the blank look of the players, Sir Alex was confident of victory until midfielder Nicky Butt, not the brightest of chaps, said: "Van Gogh" and tied the contest. "How the hell did you know that?" barked an angry Sir Alex. "I've two in my house," said Butt.

Don't be sniffy

A READER once visiting the stunning Glasgow Boys art exhibition at Kelvingrove realised that a number of the paintings of gardens included rows of cabbages. As he studied George Henry's A Cottar's Garden, a fellow visitor told her companion: "'En plein air' just means that the artists painted outside instead of in the studio."

"I'm not surprised," remarked her companion, "if they ate all those cabbages.”


OUR old chum Sandra Ratcliffe, who turned from journalism to being an artist, was en route to Gigha for an exhibition of her paintings, when she was stuck in the lift of her block of flats in Ayr with many of her canvasses. She shouted for help, and neighbours called the fire brigade.

The firefighter who prised the lift doors open looked at all the paintings surrounding her, and remarked: "Just how long have you been in here?"

Bit of a dinosaur

WHEN BBC Scotland reported on the two-millionth visitor to Kelvingrove, the woman in question remarked that she was only there because her three-year-old daughter, "wanted to see the dinosaur". They then showed the girl meeting Lord Provost Liz Cameron. Mercifully, later news bulletins quietly dropped the dinosaur reference.

Drink to that

A READER was in a shop in Biggar, Lanarkshire, where a young woman and her elderly mother were perusing a painting for sale. The dubious daughter remarked: "I'm not too sure about it. Maybe Dad would like it?" Her mum replied: "Well, it's no' my piece of cake."

"Do you mean cup of tea, Mum?" asked the daughter. "No, I think I will just wait until we are home," said mum.

Said our reader: "The daughter just walked away laughing.”

Thrill of the chase

KELVINGROVE is used for many events, including concerts. A reader was at a Celtic Connection concert by Mississippi singer John Murray who looked up at the Spitfire hung from the ceiling, down the gallery at the stuffed elephant, Sir Roger, and confided to the audience: "I've been dying to ask, why is that Spitfire chasing the elephant? Is this a British thing?”

Blossoming romance

BEFORE one St Valentine's Day, a florist's shop in Aberdeen was keen that local men did not show the parsimony those in the city have been accused of in the past. Inspired by the great artists, the shop, Love Florist, had a stick man painted outside the door with the message: "This is Kevin. Kevin bought his girlfriend flowers from a supermarket. Kevin is now single and not getting any. Don't be like Kevin. Buy flowers from a proper florist this Valentine's Day." So now you know.


WE end with a bit of cerebral graffiti. Someone once scrawled on the toilet wall in a London art gallery the artfully arch: "Dada wouldn't buy me a Bauhaus”.