Stirring it

WE mentioned Govanhill going upmarket with the barman dashing to the greengrocers to get cucumber for the Hendrick's gin. It reminds Derek Miller in Torrance: "Decades ago my now wife moved through from posh Comely Bank in Edinburgh to live with me in Yorkhill. This was 25 years before the Finnieston area became a hipster haunt. She went into ‘Frank’s Fruit & Veg’ to buy some ingredients for a stir fry and in her sweet, middle-class, Edinburgh tone asked Frank, 'Do you have any courgettes?'

"Without missing a beat, wee Frank replied, 'Naw hen, nuttin like that' and she left with an onion, two large carrots and a bag of totties."

Wet happened

GROWING old continued. Says a Milngavie reader: " I walked into the lounge with the TV remote and a glass of water. I meant to toss the remote onto the couch and threw the glass of water instead."

Lamb to slaughter

THE Luath Press has just published Scottish poet Hugh McMillan's book The Conversation of Sheep which includes some insightful and amusing lines about our wooly farm animals. Hugh tells us that he decided to learn about sheep after moving to the idyllic Dumfriesshire village of Penpont and attending a Young Farmers' quiz night. Said Hugh: "As a proven and successful competitor in quiz leagues in larger towns I thought I would walk it. For five rounds so it proved - I was 12 points ahead going into the final 20-point picture round. I thought it would be celebrities and film stars. It turned out to be 20 different types of sheep. I lost by eight points."

Sixes and sevens

TALKING of books, now that we are into December will you be plugging the new Herald Diary book just out, asks a reader. We will indeed. It is still under a tenner and includes the story of the young Dennistoun chap in his local boozer telling his girlfriend: "Do you know, in the six months we've been going out, we haven't agreed on a single thing." "Seven," she replied.

Spring time

TODAY'S piece of whimsy comes from a Glasgow reader who emails: "I replaced our couch with a trampoline. The wife hit the roof."

What the Dickens

ACTORS will recreate on Thursday night in the gallery at the Glasgow Art Club the hugely popular visits of author Charles Dickens to Glasgow when thousands paid to hear him reading from his books. He also officially opened the Athenaeum which is now the Royal Conservatoire. We always liked the story of tickets being sold for one of the Glasgow events in advance, but cheaper shilling tickets were available on the night for first-come-first-served. Unfortunately the organiser had also sold the shilling tickets in advance, and when the crowd found out there was almost a riot. So ticket dodges are not a new thing it seems.

Put the boot in

YES, it's that time of year when folk tell us Christmas yarns that unfortunately have featured in the Diary before. Such as the Ayrshire reader who told us one member in the bar announced: "You've got to be careful on the roads before Christmas. A lot of men have had too much to drink at office parties - and their wives are driving instead."

Or the chap who announced in the pub: "The wife's been hinting she wants something black and lacy for Christmas. Do you think I should get her football boots?"

Name dropping

WHO can identify with Stacey who told friends on social media: "I introduced myself to a new neighbour about 20 minutes ago and I can still remember her name. I’ll forget it in an hour, but I’m so proud of myself right now."