He creased up

AS people get a bit frantic about Christmas, Sandy Tuckerman tells us: "A young couple I know are winter sports enthusiasts. She asked for a new board for Christmas a few years back. He bought and carefully wrapped a new ironing board. On Christmas morning the atmosphere was frostier than Aviemore in February when she tore off the paper. It only thawed when he went out the garage and brought in her new snowboard."

And a warning from Craig Deeley who says: "Was thinking of buying all my Christmas food today, but then I remembered on school trips I used to eat my packed lunch as soon as I got on the bus."

On the up

I KNOW this lift she's talking about! Glasgow Green councillor Kim Long told her friends on social media this week: "Thoughts and prayers please for the one poor, ancient, juddery wee lift, in near-constant use at the best of times in Glasgow City Chambers, which is not really coping with this week's influx of hundreds of senior citizens going upstairs for Christmas lunch every day."

Cashing in

AN AIRDRIE reader tells us: "Is it just me, that when the cashier says, 'Do you want cash back?' who has to suppress the urge to reply, 'Absolutely, his Ring of Fire and Boy Named Sue were classics. We'll never see his like again'."

Sad farewell

WE respectfully walked into funeral stories, and Peter Sommerville in Greenock tells us: "I was attending a funeral at the Greenock Crematorium when the minister told the story of a service he had presided over where a side door of the crematorium had been left open by staff and just as the curtains around the coffin were closing a voice from one of them was heard saying, 'That’s me away'. It did make people smile on a sad occasion."

Drew attention

DIFFERENCES between England and Scotland, continued. Says Irene Foster in Hamilton: "Years ago when I lived in England I took my young son to visit his cousins in Scotland, and he wrote in his 'news' book in his primary class, 'I went with Mummy to see Neal and Drew'. The teacher wrote, 'What did you draw?' She had never heard of the shortened form of Andrew."

Clocked her

CYCLISTS get a bad press for their cavalier attitude to the rules of the road. Occasional cyclist Gordon Casely hits back by telling us: "Was cycling in Kincardineshire when I was passed by a Camera Safety Unit - you know, the van that anonymously clocks us for speeding? And there was the driver, busy texting while steering."

May or May not

WELL, what are we to make of Theresa May's shambles? Karl Brophy watched the news footage of her locked limo door while visiting European leaders, and comments: "She was attempting to leave while also attempting to retain the benefits of sitting in the car. It was never going to work."

And as for the leadership challenge, Rabin Singh says: "So the Tories had a vote for leader in 2016 and now they’re saying they got it wrong and want a new vote? Imagine."

Boxed in

TODAY'S piece of daftness comes from comedian Olaf Falafel who declares: "I describe my girlfriend as Amazonian, not because she's tall, but because she recommends things I might like based on my previous purchases."