Dead festive

“MERRY Christmas”, says the chirpily festive sign in the window of certain commercial premises in Aberdeen, spotted by Gordon Casely. So far, so commonplace. Except that this particular business is an undertaker’s. “We know the seasonal message the funeral director is trying to impart, but we question his common sense”, muses Gordon.

A deer price to pay

THANKS to John Henderson for pointing us in the direction of another quirky news story- this one in the New York Post, concerning a Missouri poacher who was convicted of illegally killing and beheading hundreds of deer, and was ordered to watch the Disney film, Bambi, every month while in jail.

In similar news, adds John, Parliament is trying to force Theresa May to watch Passport to Pimlico.

Wise guy

THAT same item, which quoted a line from a hymn, “So light up the fire and let the flame burn”, reminded Russell Smith of a Primary Sevens schools quiz. “One lad, clearly up-to-date with post-9pm television, responded to the question, ‘Which organisation has the motto Blood and fire?’ with ‘The Mafia’. The correct answer is, of course, the Salvation Army, but worth half a mark, surely”.

News in briefs

DEREK B Petrie reports seeing the following sign on a laundry firm’s vehicle. “No dirty underpants are stored in this vehicle overnight”.

Get-out-of-jail card

DAVID RUSSELL was once enjoying a quiet pint in Hatfield, Herts, when his Scottish accent brought him to the attention of a fellow customer. The conversation went as follows:

Stranger: “Where you from?”

David: “Fraserburgh.”

Stranger: “Oh! I’ve been to Peterheid.”

David: “It always rains there .”

Stranger: “Aye, it rained aw the time I was there.”

At this point David realised that the man had not been living in the town so much as residing in the Big Hoose as a guest of HM. It was one of Scotland’s toughest jails; a siege there in 1987 was ended with the aid of the SAS. “A fellow drinker, seeing my difficulty, rescued me by suggesting a drink elsewhere in town,” David writes. After all, “ You don’t go to the Blue Toon jail for non-payment of your poll tax. Narrow escape.”

Shattering experience

TUESDAY’S item about beat cops prompts Campbell Thomson to recall an experience of his own, as a probationer constable in Lanarkshire in the sixties. “The Inspector at Rutherglen where I was stationed was the inimitable Bob Lyon, better known to his subordinates as ‘Lenny the Lion’. A former Second World War POW, Lenny was a character who, though both hard and fair, struck fear into us youngsters.

“Included in our beat duties, particularly on the nightshift, was the examination of secured shop premises. Woe betide if you failed to find a break-in. Wakened out of your warm bed, you’d find yourself back in the office in front of an irate Lenny.

“‘Are your bloody feet cut, Constable?’, he’d bellow. Bemused by this somewhat rhetorical question, you would hesitantly reply in the negative only to have your ears assailed by the roar, ‘Well they bloody well should be, considering all the broken glass you’ve been wading through all night!’

“One such experience was enough to prevent a repetition. Pity there are no gaffers like Lenny in today’s police.”