AH, good old 2018. What a time to be alive, eh? I considered writing a list of the all-important lessons we have gleaned over the past 12 months, but then realised that as the pre-Hogmanay melancholy begins to seep in, what we all need is a glitzy awards ceremony to stave off the blues.

So, as a vintage year of mishap and mayhem draws to a close, let's reminisce about some of the magical moments to which we have borne witness. I'll hand out the prizes.

The Biggest Sporting Stink Award

Winner: Darts

There were great strides taken in professional darts this year when it was announced the sport would no longer use walk-on girls – the equivalent of Formula One grid girls and boxing's ring girls.

Yet, it would seem there is only so much progress that can be tolerated at the oche before it is necessary to remind us that this, after all, is a game with its roots in working men's clubs and grotty boozers. Case in point: the flatulence row that let rip at the Grand Slam of Darts.

Dutch player Wesley Harms claimed he was affected by a not-so fragrant aroma that double world champion Gary Anderson had left as they competed at the event in Wolverhampton last month. "It'll take me two nights to lose this smell from my nose," Harms told the television station RTL7L.

Musselburgh-born Anderson insisted, however, that the putrid stench – likened to "rotten eggs" – had come "from the table side" at the Aldersley Leisure Village, suggesting it was from the crowd.

"If the boy thinks I've farted he's 1,010 per cent wrong. I had a bad stomach once on stage before and admitted it. So, I'm not going to lie about farting on stage," he was quoted as saying by the BBC.

Best Teeth-Related Headline

Joint winners: Beyonce and a police dog

"Who bit Beyonce?" screamed the headlines after comedian and actress Tiffany Haddish revealed in a GQ interview last March that an unnamed celebrity had attempted to sink their gnashers into the hallowed face of Queen Bey during a Hollywood party.

The internet rumour mill cranked into gear as showbiz watchers turned amateur detective. While there have been several names in the frame – and some feverish denials – our fanged culprit remains at large. The hunt continues …

Many of us in journalism harbour a soft spot for the "man bites dog" headline and 2018 brought us this mythical beast in all its toothy glory.

Police officers investigating a reported shooting in the US state of New Hampshire last January were attempting to arrest a man when he bit their dog. The canine – known as K9 Veda – promptly bit him back and then watched as the man was Tasered.

The Emperor's New Clothes Trophy For Fashion

Winner: Alice Potts

A fashion student poured blood, sweat and very possibly tears into her designs. Literally.

Royal College of Art graduate Alice Potts devised a technique to customise attire using crystal accessories formed from bodily fluid and excretions. Her designs included a pair of ballet shoes adorned with crystals formed from sweat and a fake fur featuring urine-crystals.

It all sounds very swish but [adopts best Dragon's Den voice]: "Sorry Alice, I'm out …"

The Pointless Things Go Viral Wooden Spoon

Winner: Yanny or Laurel?

Billed as the aural equivalent of The Dress That Broke The Internet, a one-word audio clip could be heard to say "Yanny" or "Laurel" depending on your ability to decipher high or low frequencies. It sparked heated debate for about, oh, five minutes before everyone got bored.

Does this mean humanity has evolved or simply possesses an even shorter attention span than three years ago when arguments over The Dress ruined friendships and tore families apart?

Scariest Technological Advance

Winner: Alexa's creepy laugh

As if we needed any further proof that the machines are simply biding their time, watching and waiting until they take over the world, I give you: Alexa.

Earlier this year, the virtual assistant developed by Amazon appeared to suffer a malfunction that affected multiple devices. According to reports, Alexa began to randomly emit eerie laughter that sent a chill up the spine of its owners.

Amazon's official explanation was that Alexa had mistakenly misheard the command to laugh, confusing it with similar sounding phrases. Humph. Yeah, right. Best case scenario: the robots may keep some of us around as their dumb pets.

The Scrub My Mind Out With Carbolic Soap Prize

Winner: Stormy Daniels

For gifting us the imagery of Toad from Mario Kart as a euphemism for Donald Trump's penis.

You Had One Job

Winner: Dancing FBI agent shoots bar patron

This was a fiercely contested category. It would have been tempting to give it to the Brexit negotiating team. Or perhaps Tory MP Ross Thomson who was tricked by a spoof TV documentary crew into condemning a fake drug-dealing app called "InstantGrammes".

Among the other contenders were Melania Trump for visiting a migrant child detention centre in Texas during the height of the family separation crisis wearing a jacket daubed with slogan: "I really don't care. Do U?"

Unsurprisingly, the sartorial choice sparked a raft of Marie Antoinette analogies. Perhaps all her humanitarian-friendly coats were in the wash that day?

Then there was the marketing mastermind at a Russian branch of Domino's who underestimated the devotion of its customer base when coming up with a free pizza for life offer.

It promised 100 free pizzas annually for 100 years to anyone who got the company's logo tattooed on their body. The campaign was intended to run for two months but was pulled after five days when more than 300 tattoos with the promotional hashtag were posted on Instagram alone.

Ultimately, though, there can only be one winner. Drum roll! Step forward the FBI agent who, while dancing wildly at a Denver bar, accidentally shot a man in the leg when his gun fell from its holster as he performed a handstand. Talk about deadly moves … We blunder on into 2019.