Sweet smell

AS folk reach for the last Bounty in the Celebrations tin and vow to lose a bit of weight in the New Year, we look at how The Diary has portrayed dieting in the past, including the reader who asked a pal one New Year how he and his wife were getting on with their joint diet. "She's finding it heavy going," he replied, before adding: "Put it this way. It'd probably be safer for me to go home smelling of perfume than her catching a whiff of a Mars bar from me.”

Bottoms up

A GLASGOW MSP, speaking at a constituency meeting, said that he had gone on a diet and fitness regime after piling on the pounds with all the dinners and lunches he was invited to because of his position at the Scottish Parliament. He was very proud of his new slim shape, he said, and was heartened that constituents had also noticed his body was in better condition.

"Only the other day," he said, "I was passing a couple of women and I could hear one of them say behind me, 'That's our MSP. What an arse’."

Doctored

A GLASGOW reader told us of a friend who had been called in for a check-up after registering with a different doctor following his move to a new address. Said his pal: "The doc said I should cut back on sugar in my diet, drink less alcohol and coffee, and reduce the stress in my life.

So I said to him, 'Fair enough. But realistically what should I do?’"

Put knife in

A PARTICK reader confessed to us that he started a diet right away after ordering a carry-out from his local Indian restaurant. When he unpacked the food he noticed the restaurant had included two sets of plastic cutlery rather than one.

And a Glasgow reader once heard two women discuss a friend who was struggling keeping her weight under control. "She's had her stomach stapled," one confided. "Stapled to what?" asked her pal. “Greggs?"

Fridge magnet

WE were once told by a Motherwell reader: "A woman opens her friend's fridge and finds a picture of a slender, scantily-clad woman. Her pal said she put it in there to remind herself not to over-eat.

"When the woman asked if it worked, her pal replied, 'Yes and no. I've lost 15lbs but my husband has gained 20'."

Gospel

THE Bible reading in a Stirlingshire church, said a member of the congregation, was from Numbers where the Israelites were told: "The Lord will give you meat, and you will eat it. You will not eat it for just one day, or two days, or five, 10 or 20 days, but for a whole month – until it comes out of your nostrils and you loathe it."

"Sounds like the Atkins diet," the parishioner next to our reader whispered.

Legged it

A READER spotted a vending machine on which a sign had been stuck stating: "Diet Coke not working." Below someone had scrawled: "Try exercise then.”

And a reader down south once phoned to ask: "I've got an exam question for you. If Tracey buys three apples, two oranges and a banana, how far south of Scotland is she?”

Fruity question

A SCOT on holiday in Puerto Pollensa on Majorca was having dinner when the waitress ran through the various sweet options. She got as far as "fresh fruit" when she stopped, put her hand on the admittedly large-sized tourist's shoulder and added: "I don't think fruit is a major feature of your diet, is it, sir?" before proceeding to describe flans and tarts also on the menu.