It slipped

AS Ian Craig in Strathaven tells us: "Your story about the TV remote reminds me of the man who invented it – my father. In the early 1970s when a programme came on that he didn’t like, he would throw one of his slippers at the on/off button which stood proud on the front of the TV. Sorted!"

Ball game

OUR ferry stories remind Mike Jarron: "Visited Gigha some years ago, and the little vehicle ferry had hardly started out from Tayinloan when it swung around and lowered its loading ramp. This was a bit worrying, thinking about what happened to the Herald of Free Enterprise when it failed to raise its ramp. The ferry then went back and forth a few yards swinging about each time. Turned out the skipper was trying to line up on a floating object, the crew's football, which had been lost overboard so that it would be swept up the ramp.

"After several attempts, to the cheers of the passengers, the ball was retrieved by a crew member wielding a broom. That trip took about twice as long as scheduled."

Coining it in

WE read that 23 folk were barred from Glasgow libraries last year for crimes ranging from verbally abusing staff to using other people's library cards. It reminds us of the reader who told us about a chap years ago in Lanarkshire who was returning a book overdue who was told that the fine was five pence. The old chap offered up a five pound note and said he had nothing smaller, so the librarian let him off. As he turned away from the counter he was about to sneeze, yanked a hankie out of his pocket, and spilled a load of change onto the library floor.

Keeping sweet

STILL working on your diets? A west end reader emails to tells us: "I'm doing my best to cut out sugar in my diet, and now I can tell you why big girls seem happy and skinny women are bitchy."

Being patient

WE pass on from social media where Glasgow-based doctor Punam Krishan recorded the following exchange in her surgery: "Patient, 'I don’t want an Asian doctor.'

Receptionist, 'She's Scottish'. Patient, 'She doesn’t look Scottish.' Receptionist, 'What do Scottish people look like?' Silence. Appointment card taken. So proud of my team."

On the tiles

SOMEHOW we stumbled into stories about the Engelbert Humperdinck song Please Release Me. Recalls John Woods: "During my time at Glasgow University in the 1960s, one of the highlights was the annual outing to Portobello where, suitably refreshed, we passed the time till the pubs opened again at five with a huge game of football on the beach. We then repaired to a local hostelry for a meal in the upstairs function room, more refreshments and, before getting the buses back home, congregated en masse in the beautifully tiled downstairs toilet which provided superb acoustics for a lusty rendition of 'Please Relieve Me'. Eat your heart out, Englebert."

Ladies night

BURNS Night stories, continued. Angela Fotheringham recalls a charity Burns Supper at a prestigious Pall Mall club in London where a bottle of whisky was provided on each table, and all the guests, the cream of London society, were urged to prepare a piece to recite if called upon. Angela particularly recalls the diplomat's wife who recited to the guests the little-heard Burns song, "Nine Inch will Please a Lady." Adds Angela: "Most poignant of all was the tall ancient man, shrunken inside his wing collar and the shiny lapels of his evening suit, who quavered a Gaelic lullaby, sung by his Highland nanny in a dim and distant past."

Needs aid

TODAY'S piece of whimsy comes from Sandy Tuckerman who says: "I sent my hearing aids away for repair three weeks ago, I’ve heard nothing since."