QUITE offended, actually, now that you ask. Oh, you didn't ask? Well, let me tell you anyway.

You humans. The only joy you reap from the internet is from laughing at animals. You didn't think we knew, did you? We know. Not all bears are of very little brain, you see.

You love us, you mock us, you anthropomorphise us. There we are, trying to leap from a kitchen counter on to the sofa and plummeting, whiskers flailing, on to the floor. Cats, though. Haughty, but ultimately useless.

A dog in a muddy pond! You can't get enough, can you? There he is, rolling around, dipping his head under, won't come when called, a Golden Retriever but completely thick with black gloop.

Completely thick is right. But there you are, chortling away. It's part the hilarity of the scene and part Schadenfreude - it's not your faux-Axminster that's going to be covered in muddy paw prints, is it? Not the boot of your pride and joy BMW that will never be quite clean again.

The human-animal relationship is a nuanced, complex thing. But we're fed up of being figures of fun. Not least for the sheer cheek of it. Have you seen yourselves lately?

So, yes, I looked after the boy Hathaway when he got himself lost in the woods. Lovely wee thing, couldn't watch him shivering away. It gets quite chilly overnight at Cayton, North Carolina, and it seemed selfish to keep all this glorious fur to myself when little Casey was in need.

I really didn't expect to make headline news as a care bear but it was a nice bit of publicity for the species, especially as we've been previously portrayed as either terrifying or as having an obsessive penchant for sweet breakfast spreads.

Honey, very nice. Jam, don't mind if I do. But it's not our raison d'etre, you know. Not at all. We are known for breaking into cars - we're really very adept at it - when we smell sweet things but we do try to keep that quiet.

And then, did you see the nonsense in Powys? A driver crashed her car because she took fright at a wooden statue of one of my cousins, thinking it to be the real thing. In an act of indignity, the statue has been lying abandoned at the side of the road with the Welsh Government ordering its removal.

Thank goodness the locals see sense and are petitioning to have the 'scare bear' reinstated. There is very little more majestic than a bear on his hind legs; what a welcome to the town.

And you think we're frightening? What are you doing to our habitats? That's truly scary. Ever met a pizzly bear? That's right, pizzly. We've got grizzlies and polars mating now, thanks to you. Our Alaskan and Canadian cousins are having to move north as their environment warms.

Polar bears need sea ice, they've evolved with it, and it's eroding. Well done, you mob. Footering about when you should be acting like the forest is on fire. It's too much to bear.

Anyway, you're the talk of the scratching post, and not for the first time.

What's this about banning Tony the Tiger and Coco the Monkey from the front of cereal boxes? There's your complicated relationship with animals again - using them to advertise sweet things to children when your children are too plump. I like a plump cub, but our plump cubs tend to work off their winter blubber come the spring.

Yours won't become fitter from taking away their animal pals. They're not fat because of cartoons, they're fat because of complex reasons including low household incomes, confusing messages about food, overworked parents and austerity. But what do I know, I'm a bear.

You're happy at McDonald's handing out books by Roald Dahl because it's fine to read literature with fast food but cartoons on sugary breakfast cereals are bad. Staff at Clarks shoe shops are being trained in children’s speech, language and communication development and then being urged to talk to children as those waggish Tories try to tackle concerning rates of early literacy. WH Smith is being asked to advise parents in Swindon about supporting their cubs' language development.

Ha. And you think I'm made up. It all really gives me a sore head.

But there's your problem. Casey is only three years old but his language development was sound enough to tell everyone he'd hung out with a bear in the woods while he was lost. But you don't believe him.

I thought you were fed up of experts, yet you're willing to believe a "bear researcher". "Bears don’t do that,” said Chris Servheen, from the University of Montana.

Well, let me prove it. Isn't your Scottish Government crying out for early years workers now the nursery hours are being expanded? I've shown myself to be most adept at childcare. I'll keep your cubs fit from chasing them around.

I will support their language development, bilingual in both English and Ursine. Post-Brexit, my foraging skills will be extremely useful.

It will be a long time until you're out of the woods. Bear it in mind.