Key issue

GROWING old, continued. You can just imagine this as Ian McDonald in the Highlands tells us: "Going on holiday to the sun recently, we decided to take only one set of house keys. The other set I hid somewhere in the house (or maybe the shed), so that they wouldn't be obvious, hanging on a hook in the kitchen. Coming home again, this set cannot be found after searching everywhere. Had to get a new set cut. So some time in the future, a set of keys will turn up and we'll wonder what they're for."

Safe keeping

SAD to hear of the death of England World Cup winning goalkeeper Gordon Banks. An old colleague who once met him tells us how generous he was with his time, and couldn't have helped him more. Gordon was also a good friend of Celtic keeper Ronnie Simpson, even though they were on opposite sides in Scotland-England clashes. Ronnie was once down in London for a stint on the Pools Panel - does that still exist? - and met up with Gordon. As the pair of them jumped in a taxi, the London driver couldn't believe he had that Gordon Banks in the back of his cab. ''Wait till I tell them I had a famous keeper in the cab today,'' he declared. ''Thanks very much,'' said Ronnie, without a pause.

Time to smile

AND so Auchinleck Talbot are out of the Scottish Cup after losing to Hearts. Our mentions of Auchinleck in The Diary remind David Russell: "While making a delivery to Tesco's Auchinleck store, I remarked to the goods-in lad that every member of staff, including the ladies and himself seemed to be missing at least one front tooth. He thought for a minute then said, 'Aye, It's a kinny roch place, so it is'."

Cutting remark

THIS is your final warning about Valentine's Day. A female reader emails to ask: "What rhymes with 'vasectomy'? I want this Valentine's card to be perfect."

And on social media, people were asking for "signs you are single". We liked the truthful reply: "You find things where you left them."

Moving story

LIFE can seem more complicated in some areas, more so than it used to be. Parking used to be fishing a couple of coins out of your pocket and putting them in the meter, but not any more. As Kent Graham states: "By the time I downloaded the parking app, added my credit card, entered my licence plate number and then the meter number, my car had been towed."


WE like to keep in touch with American politics. Says reader Bob Jamieson: "On the lunchtime news, there was an article about Donald Trump accepting a much lower amount in the budget ($1.5 billion rather than $5.5 billion), which he demanded for his wall building. This would mean that there will not be a projected government shutdown.

"The news then showed Trump addressing his supporters in El Paso, but at the end as he walked off stage, he was played off by an orchestral version of a Rolling Stones song...'You can’t always get what you want'. You couldn’t make it up."

Star is born

AS newspapers were overflowing this week with pictures from the Bafta and Grammy awards, Abe Yospe explains: "A lot of people don't appreciate that celebrities are rich and famous and better than all of us, which is why we have to have 434 awards shows to honour them."

Crashing bore

OH dear, here comes a colleague intent on interrupting my typing. "My computer has crashed," he declares, and while I try to look sympathetic he adds: "And now all the other computers have slowed down to have a good old look."