Looked surprised

A GLASGOW reader tells us a regular came into his pub the other night and announced: “Was in the bank where the wummin said my account was overdrawn. So I told her, ‘And so’s yer eyebrows, but you don’t see me making a fuss about it’.”

Food of love

YES, Valentine’s Day yesterday. A reader bumped into a pal who told him: “Just bought the wife a dozen chocolate-covered strawberries,” before pausing and adding: “Well maybe 10 by the time she gets home.”

Key moment

GROWING old, continued. A reader’s tale of hiding the house keys and forgetting where they were reminds Peter McKay in the Highlands: “My wife decided to hide her car keys while on holiday as the car was being left outside on the driveway. Coming home, she could not find the keys despite searching the house high and low. We ended up buying a new set which cost a fortune. A couple of months later she pulled on her slippers and found the car keys.”

Taking stock

HIBS are replacing fiery manager Neil Lennon with former Leeds United manager Paul Heckinbottom, assisted by former Scotland player Robbie Stockdale. The office Hibs fan tells me he is a “good young manager who had great success in his first job,” but nevertheless Celtic fan and radio commentator Domink Diamond sniffs: “ Heckingbottom and Stockdale sound less like a fitba’ management team and more like gentlemen’s outfitters of distinction whose shop smells faintly of mothballs and old man’s pee.”

On the ball

AH the sayings of the little ones. Says reader Ed Hunter: “My cousin’s eight-year-old grand-daughter has been playing football and loves it. She went to training, came home and announced, ‘It was great! Tonight they taught us tic tacs’.”

Hit the headlines

THE Diary story about Ken Loach filming in Scotland reminded journalist Paul Drury: “I thought I had hit the big time when I was told one of my stories was going to feature in his film, Ae Fond Kiss. In the opening scene a Daily Record billboard outside a newsagent’s showed the headline on my story ‘Catholic Church says No Nookie in Seville’. It was an ecclesiastical warning to the Hoops faithful not to ‘play away’ at the Uefa Cup Final.

“Then the camera panned back to reveal a big boxer approaching the billboard and, yes, urinating on the headline. Still, in the movie business, you have to start somewhere.”

Churchillian

WE mentioned TV presenter Piers Morgan describing Green MSP Ross Greer as a “thick ginger turd” when Ross criticised Winston Churchill. Now Labour’s John McDonnell has got in on the act by calling Winston Churchill a villain. As Ross himself commented on social media about John McDonnell: “Sick and tired of Labour stealing Green policies once they’re popular.”

Chewing it over

OUR story about the dog eating test results reminds David Miller in Milngavie: “I received an important letter from our solicitor, but our dog got to the letter box first, and I had to phone said solicitor and ask him to send me a copy. The solicitor’s subsequent covering letter ended, ‘And I enclose a supply of paper for the dog’. A lawyer with a sense of humour!”