Have your cake

ST Valentine's Day saw restaurants busy with couples paying over the odds for a meal because of a few balloons and roses dotted around the place. It does, however, remind us of Diary restaurant stories in the past including a case at Greenock Sheriff Court which involved an affray in a local restaurant. A diner who appeared as a witness was asked by the fiscal: "Were you there on a date?" "No," the chap replied. "I was with the wife.”

And a lady having lunch in Glasgow was not impressed by her tired-looking chocolate cake. She sniffed it and declared: "It smells like cocoa." The smug waiter told her: "It's chocolate cake. It should smell like cocoa." "Coco's my dog," she replied.

Bottoms up

ON THE subject of Glasgow restaurant staff, a Scotstoun reader in a west end Chinese restaurant asked what the difference was between the sweet and sour chicken on the menu and the sweet and sour chicken Hong Kong style listed further down. "One pound twenty-five," the waitress replied.

And a Glasgow reader had to smile when he took an English colleague up on business to an Indian restaurant where his colleague demanded to know if the curries were hot. "Hot?" replied the waiter indignantly. "They're so hot they'll burn the arse aff ye," which seemed to quieten the chap.

Nippy

FURTHER afield, we heard from a reader whose seaman brother ordered a giant lobster claw in a Rio de Janeiro restaurant. Unfortunately the claw was in a scabby condition, badly cracked and chipped. When he complained, the waiter told him it was due to the lobsters fighting in the tanks. "Well" he replied, "take this one back tae the kitchen and bring us oot the winner.”

What's her beef?

MEALS, of course, are also served on flights. Restaurateur Gordon Yuill once told us he was interviewing a former airline steward for a job and asked him how he had dealt with difficult customers. He replied that one precious passenger, when informed they had run out of beef and that there was only chicken left, jumped out of her seat and began ranting, raving and screaming at him.

"Madam," he told her, "I said we've run out of beef – not run out of fuel.”

Tough talking

BACK in the Highlands a reader was once dining in a hotel when an American diner complained to the waiter that his steak was tough and the vegetables undercooked. "Nothing like speaking your mind is there, sir?" said the waiter, before walking away.

Puffed up

GOING further back to the days when you could smoke in restaurants, an East Kilbride reader recalled being in a restaurant in Glasgow's Hope Street when his pal, after he finished eating, lit up a cigar. The woman at the next table leaned over and sarcastically asked: "I do hope you don't mind me eating while you are smoking!"

This did not faze our reader's pal who removed his cigar and replied: "Not as long as we can still hear the band, Madam."

In the soup

IT would be remiss not to mention Reo Stakis whose restaurants introduced dining out to many Scots. An Ayrshire reader once told us: "Back in the fifties, when Reo Stakis forayed into French cuisine with his Cadoro Bistro in Glasgow's Union Street, my wife and I paid a visit. We ordered creme de pompador for starters and as the waitress unceremoniously kicked open the swing door into the kitchen, she shouted, 'Two toma'a soups'."

Days were numbered

A PARTICK reader was taken out by his family to celebrate his 45th birthday, and his wife sneaked a birthday cake to the staff for them to bring out after the meal and handed the waitress two candles shaped as "4" and a "5" to put on it. Our reader was crushed that the young waitress looked over at him, and then asked his wife what order the two numbers went on the cake.