Warm up act

OUR story about dodging TV licences takes Robert Hailstones in Millport way down memory lane to when he worked as a Post Office clerk in the days of the radio licence. They would simply have a list of non-payers but would arrive in the street wearing earphones in a Post Office van to make folk think they had a detector van. Says Robert: "At one doorstep we were informed that the wireless was 'broken'. We asked to examine it. The valves were still warm so we plugged it in, and turned up the volume as loud as possible. The owner burst into the room and asked, 'How did you manage to fix it?'

"On another visit, the owner said, 'You'd better come in'. We followed him along a passage, through a door and ended up in the bathroom. After looking around, the engineer asked, 'What are we doing in here?' to which the householder replied, 'I don't know about you two but I'm in here for a s****'."

Gulp

THINGS that can only happen in Glasgow. Photographer Alex Aitchison told folk on social media: "Shout-out to the couple at Glasgow Airport security who filled their entire clear liquids bags with miniatures of vodka."

A bit driven

A READER who took early retirement tells us he decided to fill in his time by becoming an Uber driver. Not sure what his customers would be like, he tells us he was a bit apprehensive when his first customer came out of a pub, got in, and asked: "What year is this?" Wondering how drunk could he be, our reader nervously told him it was now February, in the year 2019." "Naw," replied the passenger, "What year is your Skoda Octavia?"

Name calling

OUR tales about how pupils address teachers remind Frank Murphy: "My son is a primary teacher and his pupils mostly try to catch his attention with 'Sir', although occasionally 'Dad' or even 'Mum' escapes their lips. Last week an over-excited child used the name of another voice significant in their family life and shouted 'Siri'. Of course after the current wage dispute ends certain local authorities will no doubt be looking for robot replacements in the classroom."

Acting up

THE Glasgow Film Festival has just ended with one of the stand-outs being the French film Le Monde est à toi (The World is Yours), a rollicking crime caper with English actor Sam Spruell playing a foul-mouthed Glasgow drug dealer in Benidorm. When asked how he prepared for the role he explained: "I had just finished a play in London, but I spent a day wandering around Benidorm. It's awash with drink and lawless. By the end of the day I reckoned I'd nailed it." And no, we don't know why French director Romain Gavras would put the drug-dealer's henchman in a Rangers top.

Sitting in the GFT foyer throughout the film was Mearns Castle school pupil Gabby Rose who is in the film - but as she is only 14 she couldn't get in to see it as it was rated a 15. Anyone have any memories of sneaking into adult films?

Girl power

A READER swears to us that his daughter asked: "Daddy, did you know that girls are smarter than boys?" When he replied: ""No, I didn’t know that," she said: "There you go."

Hard to swallow

TODAY'S pice of daftness comes from Sandy Tuckerman who tells us: "Someone on the train stole my bag. I wasn’t that worried but it had my antidepressants in it. I hope they are happy now."