How to handle it

SOMEHOW we got onto discussions about what is worse – a cold public toilet seat or a warm one. A reader gets in touch: "On the old Merchant Navy cadet training ship Conway during cold weather, which was almost all the time, the senior cadets would send junior cadets to warm the toilet seats before the senior ones used them."

And another reader observed: "Some women I know only took up yoga so that they could flush public toilets with their feet."

That's the ticket

WE liked the brutal honesty of Castlemilk singer/songwriter Gerry Cinnamon whose shows are selling out fast because of a recent surge in popularity. He has told fans: "If you're selling my tickets and you're sound, please resell them on the Twickets app at face value. If you're an old-school tout outside the show making a £20 skin, then do what you do. If you're selling tickets for two to three hundred pounds, do me a favour and only sell them in person so people can meet you and punch your face in."

In the queue

STILL no one knows a way out of the Brexit mess. So we commend Damon Evans for this stalwart attempt: "What should happen next: quietly revoke Article 50, tell Brexiteers we left with no deal, send them blue passport covers, give them special long queues at airports, charge them for roaming calls and data, give them food and medicine ration books, and get on with life."

Orange walk

MANY folk looking a bit peely-wally these days although others resort to creams and unguents to spice up their complexions. As a reader memorably heard a young chap in Glasgow observe: "Some birds' fake tan is becoming a joke. They get any more orange they're going to need Glasgow City Council permission to walk through the town."

Cutting remark

AWAY from the Brexit turmoil, the normal stupidity of politicians continues. Cornish Tory MP Scott Mann came out on social media with the jaw-dropping solution about knife crime, despite there being millions of knives: "Every knife sold in the UK should have a GPS tracker fitted in the handle. It’s time we had a national database like we do with guns. If you’re carrying it around you had better have a bloody good explanation. Obvious exemptions for fishing etc."

Although most folk derided his unworkable solution, we did like the reaction of Shane Telford who said: "Can we do the same for teaspoons because I'm forever losing them."

Red in the face

TALKING of MPs, East Renfrewshire Tory MP Paul Masterton has resigned as a Parliamentary Private Secretary after voting against the Government and voting to rule out a no-deal Brexit. Paul, it has to be said, is one of the Scottish Tories with a sense of humour. We recall the red-haired MP on one of the sunniest days of the year declaring on social media: "Remember, on days like today, do your bit for humanity and check in on any ginger neighbours to make sure they have sufficient supplies of total block and a sun hat."

A bit wiry

EDINBURGH councillors have approved an extension to the city's tram line. A reader reminds us of the tourist in the city who was dubious about crossing over the tram line and asked if she could get an electric shock if she stood on it. "Yes," a local told her. "But you'd have to hook your other leg on the overhead cable, so not really much of a risk."

The worm turns

OUR tales of the cute things grandchildren say is really going way down Memory Lane today as Kate Love tells us: "Aged four, gardening with the family during the war, I rushed up to my granny saying, 'Granny, granny, I’ve found a victory’ and gave her a worm. I was Digging for Victory."