LAUGH? I nearly did, but not out loud, as I was too scared it might offend someone.
Last year, the controversial Scottish Government (SG) launched a campaign aimed at “hate crimes”. It appeared as a series of letters but, rather than be addressed “Dear Sir or Madam”, as decent ratepayers like you or I might say in a missive to persons unknown, these began by calling the recipients names.
They were addressed to “bigots”, “racists”, “disablists”, “transphobes’ and “homophobes”, all arguably bad things to be.
The disablist one highlighted horrifying incidents, and promised to arrest folk committing such acts. Good. The homophobia one said “love lives in this country, not hate”, which was a lovely Sixties sentiment that might have benefited from being scented by patchouli. The one aimed at racists said “hate has no home here”, which is no surprise with these property prices.
The transphobes one said controversially, “We believe people should be allowed to be themselves”, which was all fine and made us anticipate signs at airports saying: “Welcome to Scotland. We’re right nice, ken?”
The trouble being, if you have to publish such material, you’re really saying: “Welcome to Scotland. We’ve got a problem with bigots, racists, disablists, transphobes and homophobes.”
It was the one aimed at bigots that, I’m afraid, made me laugh. I didn’t laugh at the time, because I thought it was all fine and good, but tittered only this week because it has emerged that Christian groups thought it was bigoted against them.
One Labour MSP said: “[It] called people names and some felt it was targeting Christians.” However, since it just referred to “religious believers”, why would you assume it was only targeting Christians? This in itself could be read as discriminating against Muslims, Buddhists, Jews, Taoists and so forth. I’m sure these all have their bigots too. Taoists can give you a hard time if you’re yin o’ yon yangs.
That’s the whole problem with these sort of campaigns in a nutshell or case: where does it all end? Even feminists are getting it in the neck now from others with more radical views on gender. A whole generation of censors has been raised to check statements for nuances that might depart from the new, well-intentioned orthodoxy.
Read more: Cock-eyed chicken cleansing is the latest Brexit casualty
With bitter irony, even Scotland’s sectarian bigots have cottoned on to the possibilities, accusing anyone criticising their bigotry of being, you guessed it, bigots. The intolerant are calling those who object to their intolerance intolerant.
The problem with the SG’s poster on bigots is that it wasn’t clear if it was aimed at our own sectarian nutters or at Islamophobes. It said the SG didn’t want to see hate on “our buses” – busist: why no mention of trains? – and specifically mentioned “making people’s lives a misery because of their religious dress”. It added: “End of sermon.”
The last bit was a nice touch but hinted at a recognition that there was an air of piety about this £300,000 campaign. What was the point? To show how right on the Scottish Government was? Was any racist, bigot or homophobe supposed to read a billboard and conclude: “Oh, I’m so sorry. I will desist from my hateful behaviour immediately – or maybe on Saturday at the latest”?
Indeed, they might well have felt moved to pen a reply.
“Dear Scottish Government,
“I am in receipt of your message of the 23rd inst and am minded to reply as follows.
“Please be aware that, as well as being a bigot, I am a racist, disablist, transphobe and homophobe. Had you the foresight simply to describe me under the heading, “All of the above”, you might have saved the Scottish taxpayer several thousands of pounds by being able to print just the one poster.
“At the same time, you would not have offended me by implying that I was just a mere bigot who did not hold other appalling – pardon me, appealing – views.
“I remain your faithful servant,
“Arthur White-Supremacist.”
I must confess that I can’t make up my mind if these kind of campaigns are necessary or unnecessary. Do they put a lid on hatred? Or, as the SG has discovered, do they just stir the pot further?
****
WHO would not warm to Mhairi Black? Well, the usual suspects, I suppose. But the SNP MP endeared herself to decent voters with her description of the Brexit chaos at Westminster as “an absolute riddy”.
If you are not Scottish, or are otherwise disadvantaged (racist! advantophobe!), this translates as “a complete embarrassment”.
Online, uptight yoons said such language was beneath the dignity of an MP and hinted at a limited vocabulary. Eh? The beauty of also having Scots words at our disposal is that it gives us an expanded vocabulary.
As for being beneath the dignity, how so? Because it’s Scottish? I guess you could say it was slang, right enough.
When I was a parliamentary sketch writer, a Tory MSP used to include lyrics from early Genesis albums in his speeches and, on spotting these, I’d give a secret signal and make sure to quote them in my authoritative report.
If it’s all right alluding in parliament to “laughter in the winding stream” during a debate on non-domestic rates (though we never managed Harold the Barrel serving up his toes for tea), surely there can be nothing wrong with describing the Brexit shenanigans as “an absolute riddy”.
****
VARIOUS countries across yonder world have been trying to find ways to deal with smombies. Smombies, as you are perfectly well aware, are smartphone zombies, those folks you see waddling along the streets with their heids doon as they check their communications devices.
In recent months, the authorities in some parts of China have created phone lanes. In Austria, they’re putting padding round lampposts to protect smombies who blunder into them. And, in Germany, they’ve put traffic lights at ground level.
Now, in the latest development, a city in Israel is turning pavements at a busy junction red or green so that the smombies don’t have to look up when crossing the road.
One Tel Aviv resident said: “It’s a bit sad, no? We all look down all the time.” It is sad, but also funny, as seen on YouTube, where you can watch smombies walking into ponds or falling off precipices.
They’ve also developed a medical condition known as “nerd neck”, or forward head syndrome, in which their bonce can now be found several inches forward from their body.
Thus, as they hirple forth, smombies are taking us to the next level of human physical evolution: onwards and downwards.
****
THERE are many reasons to be proud to be British – well, maybe three, if you include ice-cream vans – and top among them must be how rubbish we are at some things.
I witter thus after revelations that the country’s internet hub for transatlantic communications can be found in a hut beside a caravan park just down the road from a funfair.
The worst thing about it was that anyone could just waddle in through the open gate and peer in at the gubbins.
At the time of going to press, there is no crime against peering (as distinct from peeping) but, on a serious note, such endearingly amateurish arrangements leave the gubbins open to attack by those who do not wish us well, which – as I understand it from the Brexit debate – is pretty much the rest of the world.
The caravan park, at a site that must remain unnamed, is also a venue for weekend markets and car-boot sales, said to be popular events for bargain hunters such as Al Qaeda (notoriously fond of mantelpiece ornaments for some reason).
You have to ask: are these the sort of arrangements that made Britain great? And you have to answer: yes.
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