Drink to that

OUR children at school stories reminded Michael Gartlan: "A teacher I know was telling her primary class about the 100th anniversary of the end of World War One back in November and how we should remember the sacrifice of all the men and women who suffered in that conflict. One of her six-year-olds proudly announced that her grandad had won a medal in that war. Next day the youngster proudly showed the medal he had 'won'. Printed on it was 'Congratulations. One year sober'."

Acting up

THE lovely East Kilbride TV presenter Lorraine Kelly won a huge tax case by claiming that she was an actress playing the part of lovely, bubbly Lorraine Kelly when she appeared on her TV show, which qualified her for a tax break. As a reader emails us: "I do not appear at work as myself but as a person who acts interested. Can I not pay my taxes also?"

We have to say that in all our dealings with Lorraine she has always been very nice. We once asked why she never slagged anyone off in her autobiography and she told us: "I didn't write anything nasty about anyone in the book. If they were that nasty I just left them out. What better way to annoy them than having them look up the index and finding they're not there."

On air

OUR picture of the old underground gents' toilet on Glasgow's Buchanan Street reminded a reader of Tom Shields's classic yarn of chatting to the toilet attendant when the premises were still open who was complaining about folk ducking into the toilet to take drugs or sell stolen goods. The attendant came up with the memorable line: "See the things that go on in this toilet, when someone comes in for a s**** it's like a breath of fresh air."

Once bitten

GEORGE Tomlinson gets in touch and feels the need to tell us: "I was reading in The Herald Magazine about the new German Doner Kebab place opening at the old Odeon cinema premises in Glasgow. I was going to take my girlfriend there, but she fears the wurst."

Write on

TRYING to find someone expressing even a scintilla of sympathy for Prime Minister Theresa May is proving extremely difficult. All we can come up with is award-winning author Adam Kay who grudgingly admits: "As a writer, it would be disingenuous of me to criticise Theresa May for being a week and a half away from a deadline she's known about for three years and having barely started her work on it."

Apology accepted

FOLK hoping for a second referendum on leaving the EU have seen the online petition to do so collect over a million backers. As lawyer Joanna Hardy argued: "It would be fantastically British to revoke Article 50, put the kettle on, apologise to our neighbours for all the fuss, and then vow to never speak of this embarrassment again, except when someone gets drunk at Christmas."

Team effort

AND even the Scottish football team cannot cheer us up, although one fan did say before the game: "I see the President of Kazakhstan has just resigned. Perhaps someone told him the Tartan Army had taken over the capital and he didn't realise it wasn't a real army."

As John Henderson emailed us at half-time yesterday: "Am watching the football, and for some reason, I have an urge to send a note to the PM, 'This is how you get out of Europe quickly and with minimum effort'."

They don't

GROWING old continued. A Bearsden reader tells us: "I'm officially old. I broke something in the garage and heard myself say for the first time in my life, 'They don't make things like they used to'."