What a loss

STV News reported that weight loss company Scottish Slimmers had ceased trading with immediate effect, leaving customers out of pocket. A Glasgow reader felt the need to ask us: "Are they not pleased to have lost a few pounds?"

Bottoms up

YES, Brexit still depressing us all. As James Felton put it: "People glued their naked bums to the glass in the public gallery and had to be peeled off by the police and it still wasn’t the stupidest thing that happened in Parliament yesterday."

And Channel 4 news presenter Krishnan Guru-Murthy revealed: "A male MP we asked to come on for a discussion about the abusive language and behaviour around Brexit told our producer to get stuffed and shove the programme up his ****. There have always been a few thickies in parliament but they were generally polite. No more."

Bowling along

AND for a piece of Brexit whimsy, television presenter Richard Osman refers to the latest Tory resignation and says: "Nick Boles is a principled politician, and also what you should do if you want to be banned from the IKEA crockery department."

Toilet humour

ACTOR and artist John Cairney is holding an exhibition at Glasgow Art Club in Bath Street from Saturday with paintings depicting various stages in the life of designer Charles Rennie Mackintosh. We remember John also produced a book about his love of Glasgow in which he told the story of the chap from Calton who applied for a job as a lavatory attendant with the then Glasgow Corporation, but was refused because he couldn't write. Instead, thrown back on his own resources, he collected discarded items from back courts which he sold at the Barras as antiques.

Eventually, he had a number of stalls, and from there went on to sell used cars, then a car hire firm and eventually expensive plant hire. He ended up a millionaire, still unable to sign cheques - not because he was stupid but because he was dyslexic. When an amazed colleague said to him: "Just think what you might have been if you could write," he merely replied: "A toilet attendant."

Seeing red

DRIVERS in the Outer Hebrides are the safest in the country, according to comparison website Money Supermarket after studying car insurance claims. It does remind us of when Stornaway in the Outer Hebrides got its first set of traffic lights in the eighties. An elderly chap from rural Lewis drove in for his annual shopping and went straight through the red light narrowly missing an old dear on her zimmer. When the cops stopped him and asked if he saw the lights, he innocently replied: "Oh, aye. They're ferry nice."

Name for it

GROWING old continued. Says reader Niall: "One starts to feel old when on going through a university campus some of the buildings are named after people you were friends with."

Spooning

A READER in Gold Coast, Australia, tells us about a local businessman who bought a cutlery set locally, but when he took it home he found a card inside it congratulating a couple on their wedding. Turns out that the couple who got married had returned the set to the shop for a refund without noticing the card inside wishing them all the best. After the businessman ranted about it on social media a friend of the married couple spoke to them on their honeymoon who claimed they had returned the set as there was "a faulty spoon." The businessman who bought the set was not convinced asking: "What is a faulty spoon? That is the real question. But it was cute cover story nonetheless.”

Any other wedding gift stories?