Being saintly

ST Andrews University has been named Scotland’s top university, and the third-best university in Britain. It does of course attract a lot of upper-class students, which is why a Fifer once told us that he told a noisy student in the town to "Haud yer wheesht!" and the bemused girl sought clarification by asking: "Audrey and yeast?"

And a rare Scottish student in the town once claimed: "I heard a posh English student tell his pal the problem with his new girlfriend was that she could only speak a few words of English. He then added, 'But on the plus side, Dundee girls are such great fun'."

Creasing themselves

WE do like odd conversations on social media. Passing the time, someone asked folk what was the most embarrassing way they had hurt themselves. Ken in Liverpool replied: "Broke four ribs while ironing curtains. They were still hanging, and it was 3am, and I was drunk, so it was mostly on me."

Have your cake

GREAT to see that the Crinan Hotel has been run by the same family for 50 years, with Frances Ryan still at the helm with the help of her daughter Julia. We enjoy a good party story so we pass on from Hotel Scotland magazine Frances recalling: "We liked to throw good parties. One really memorable one was Julia's 21st when my husband, unbeknownst to us, had ordered a massive cake made with meringue and cream. When Julia went to cut the cake it exploded into a six-man life raft and everyone was covered in cream and meringue. We had to have the dining room redecorated. There were loads of people in designer wear and one dry cleaners said it must have been some party as they had so many outfits covered in meringue brought in."

For Pete's sake

NEWS from Westminster where Perthshire SNP MP Pete Wishart, even though it's his party's policy to actually leave Westminster as soon as possible, has announced that he wants to be elected as the next House of Commons Speaker. As LibDem supporter Fraser Whyte tartly pointed out: "You do wonder why Pete Wishart, who won his seat with a majority of 21 (people not percentage), would seek a position that would, by tradition, lead to his seat becoming uncontested."

Yes you May

YES, it was May Day yesterday. As Tony Shepherd commented: "If you’re an airline pilot it’s the only day of the year that’s tricky to talk about without causing panic." However the May Day march and rally in Glasgow doesn't take place until Sunday. We remember comedian Mark Thomas speaking at a previous May Day rally in Glasgow and explaining to folk: "There were teenagers playing Beyonce through mini speakers on the train up here. I was tempted to spoil their day by dancing in the aisle next to them shouting, 'I love this one!'"

Copy that

LOTS of students frantically finishing off dissertations just now. A Glasgow reader heard one student tell his pal the other day a sentiment many of us would agree with: "Don't ever let your printer know that you've waited until the last minute to print something out and that you're in a hurry, because I'm convinced they can sense fear."

Sounds right

TODAY'S piece of whimsy comes from a reader who emails: "Why isn't phonetic spelt the way it sounds?"

1927: George V gives his name to George V bridge in Glasgow