Phil McCann

WE brought back memories with our story about students' charity day in Glasgow, and Andy Cameron recalls: "As a conductor on a 14 bus heading for St Enoch Square my bus was invaded by a group dressed as a gorilla, a dental nurse who said he/she was there to extract your cash, an Alien and a large African student dressed up as an African. As they disembarked a grumpy Glesga wummin chastised a priest who had got on at Ellington Toll with, 'Ur you just gonny sit therr and let them dae aw the collecting? Get up aff yer arse and gie them a haun'."

Drunk in charge

AND our mention of helping a drunk student home reminded Boyd Houston in Dollar: "I rescued a drunk from four lanes of traffic around Queen's Park, learned his address, and guided him up to the first floor of a nearby tenement. I rang the bell, and before I could say anything, a female hand came out, grabbed my companion and whipped him into the hall, and shut the door very firmly. Not a word of thanks."

Dig it

YES, the gardening began in earnest at the weekend. Declared Rab Livingstone: "I pulled loads of weeds out of my garden about three weeks ago and now they’re back. Here’s my question. I actually took them down the tip. They were in a black bin liner tied at the top so they were effectively blindfolded. So how did they know where I live, and how did they get back?"

The bald facts

GROWING old, continued. Says Jim McGovern: "My wife Norma and I went into a Dundee pub at the weekend and a big guy was up singing on the Karaoke. He was completely bald and had one of these frizzy ‘hipster’ style beards. After he finished singing he came over to me for a chat. When he went away Norma asked who he was and I had to admit, 'He used to be our paper boy'.”

Hair-raising

ALL the blossom on the trees, and bluebells in the woods – spring is here. A few dog-owners will sympathise with Paul who states: “Giving my long-haired border collie a rubdown. Notice different colours in her fur. It’s her spring coat coming in. Then I hear a whimper from the cupboard. The Dyson is afraid. Very afraid.”

Hard to swallow

CONGRATULATIONS to Partick Thistle for avoiding relegation on Saturday with a great win away to Queen of the South. The Glasgow club took a very creditable 1500-strong support with them. Not living up to stereotypes, honest, but Jags supporter Foster Evans told us: "The food at Palmerston didn't meet our high Maryhill standards, and even worse, their pleasant catering staff apologised when they ran out of vegetarian options before half time."

Milking it

NOT so happy were the management team of Jonatan Johansson and his assistant Peter Houston who left Greenock Morton before kick-off on Saturday when they were told by the club's directors that their contracts would not be renewed. It reminds us of when St Mirren fan and author Christopher Brookmyre's book A Tale Etched in Blood and Hard Black Pencil came out and his publishers wanted him to add a glossary explaining the Scottish vernacular he used. So Chris included: "Diddies. Protuberant milk-producing glandular organs situated on the chest of the human female and certain other mammals. See also Greenock Morton FC."

Bird brain

FOR some reason a reader emails this weeks's daftest joke: "Patient, 'Do you think me being hard of hearing has contributed to my bird phobia?' Doctor, 'Maybe a smidgen.' Patient, 'What! Where!?'"