Stuff it

FOLK are discussing bringing up kids after Prince William jokes about Prince Harry joining the sleep deprivation club. As one mother explained: "A friend wanted to know what it’s like to be a mother, so I battered down her bathroom door while she was taking a shower so I could tell her that I’m thinking about changing the name of one of my stuffed animals."

And a father adds: "Probability tells you that a toddler has a 50-50 chance of putting their shoes on the correct feet. Parenting tells you otherwise."

But fishy

AH, the sheer daftness of stories that folk share on social media. Explained one couple: "We had gone to dinner and our hosts had cooked a recipe that they said they had got from the Hairy Bikers on TV. When they told us what we were about to eat we were saying, 'No way was chicken and kippers a thing, let alone a recipe from the Hairy Bikers'. We ended up tweeting the Hairy Bikers to ask them if they've ever done a chicken and kippers recipe – turns out it should have been chicken and capers."

Handy

GROWING old, continued. Says a reader in Troon: “I’m at the stage where I call the age spots on my hands freckles in the hope of kidding myself on for another couple of years.”

All that jazz

THE 33rd Glasgow Jazz Festival has published its programme for June, which includes new venues – House for an Art Lover and The Planetarium at Glasgow Science Centre as well as performances by Ethiopian musician Mulatu Astatke, the Bill Laurance Trio, and David McAlmont interpreting Billie Holiday's famous concert at Carnegie Hall. Our favourite story about the festival is that the world-renowned Carol Kidd performed at the very first festival and revealed how it changed her. Said Carol: "I was absolutely petrified, because it was my first time singing with an orchestra. I looked down at my feet halfway through the second number and I realised that I had been so nervous, my shoes were on the wrong feet. So I took them off – and I've never worn them onstage since."

Bath time

"GO on," says a reader. "You know you want to." No we don't really but a reader insists we publicise the Glasgow Jazz Festival by printing the classic, ie very old, joke abut the distressed woman having a bath when her big toe got stuck in the tap. Unable to free her, the woman's husband calls a plumber, and to preserve her modesty throws her a bowler hat which they pinned to the wall as a decoration. The plumber comes in, sees the woman clutching the hat and declares: "Well, I can free the lady's toe. That's not a problem. But I'm afraid Acker Bilk's a goner." Sorry about that.

Bet on it

YES everyone still talking about these astonishing European semi-finals this week. As Ross Craig says: "Current financial plan: see who's winning at half-time in the Champions League Final then pile the mortgage onto the other team."

He called it

MODERN life explained to us, as a reader emails: "Mobile phones are like children. We love our own but hate everybody else’s."

Flight of fancy

A PIECE of whimsy from Jim Gordon, who says: "Not seeing many swallows so far this year ... perhaps they are afraid they won’t be allowed to fly back over European airspace in the autumn if Brexit has happened."

Read more: 1960: A royal baby has been born. Ring any bells?