Pigging out

THE death of colourful Australian Prime Minister Bob Hawke reminds us that we have always had a soft spot for Australian stories in The Diary. Such as during terrible floods when the Morning Bulletin newspaper in Queensland reported the heartbreaking story that, "30,000 pigs were floating down the Dawson River." The newspaper put an apology in the following day which read: "What piggery owner Sid Everingham said was 30 sows and pigs.”

Hip hip hooray

HORRIFIC bush fires can also blight Australia. A Renfrewshire reader who read about such fires phoned his elderly aunt in Australia to make sure she was OK. When she answered, he immediately asked: "How are you, auntie? We've been so worried about you." "How did you know?" she asked. Perhaps she thought that news of the fires had not reached Britain so he said: "It's all over the news here." There was a long pause before auntie asked: "My hip operation?”

Switched on

FLYING back from Australia, a reader heard the passenger in front complain when the seat-back televisions were switched off just before landing. "My movie wasn't finished," he announced. "I'm sorry, sir," said the Australian attendant, "but we need to switch it off during our descent."

"But I don't know how it ends," he continued to wail. "They all lived happily ever after," announced the attendant as she carried on up the aisle.

Balls up

WHEN England were beaten by Australia in the Rugby World Cup, Scottish Government Minister Roseanna Cunningham commented on social media: "Bloody brilliant, mate!" A Labour supporter immediately criticised "this lack of support for a fellow Home Nation" by telling Roseanna to "grow up." Replied Roseanna truthfully: "I did. In Australia as a matter of fact."

Straight into touch as they say.

What a card

ACTRESS Una McLean once sent a card to a showbiz friend appearing in The Snow Queen at Perth Theatre wishing her all the best on the first night. The card didn't arrive for a couple of weeks, by which time the envelope indicated that it had originally been sent to Perth, Australia, before being redirected back to Scotland. Still, Una's friend was cheered to read that someone from the Australian postal service had written on the back "Hope the show goes well”.

A dog's life

A READER visiting relatives in Australia was disturbed to hear the constant blaring of a car horn, even though there seemed to be no traffic problems. On closer examination he saw a large dog in a 4x4 pressing a paw on the horn. As a small crowd gathered, the red-faced owner of the car rushed up and explained she had crossed the street to do more shopping, then added: "I usually cross where he can't see me, but I forgot.”

Thanks Hank

FILMING an episode at the beach in Queensland, Australia of the cooking series, Byron Bay Chef, the crew were approached by a backpacker who introduced himself as "Chunk fae The Faifley" who intimated that he was "Hank Marvin", not, of course that he was a former Shadows guitarist, but merely undernourished. The crew offered him a dish of char-grilled king prawns with garlic and anchovy dressing which had featured on the programme, but then wished they hadn't when Chunk intimated: "Ah widnae even feed that tae ma dug, man," before strolling off.

In the soup

AND for visitors who came in the opposite direction, a reader in Australia once told us: "On a visit home to Scotland we stopped in Stonehaven for lunch. When we asked what the soup was, everyone thought our Glaswegian waitress said 'Thai soup'. I wondered aloud whether it might be too spicy for our two-year-old, but was assured not by the puzzled girl.

"Only then did it dawn on me that she was talking about 'tattie soup', complete with glottal stop."


A READER in Australia declared: "I saw a car in Sydney with a sticker on the back window saying 'I Miss Glasgow'. So I smashed a window, nicked his radio, and left a note stating 'Hope this helps’."