Facing the music

FED up with Britain coming last in Eurovision? A reader tries to comfort us by stating: "Don't worry Britain. Next year we'll be smashing it in the World Trade Organisation Song Contest."

That's the spirit

THE Forty Nine Wine & Spirit Club is for folk in the licensed trade to get to know more about the fine wines and spirits they serve. It is named after one of the finest years for claret and also the age limit of members - which was quietly dropped when all the founding members approached 49. At their May lunch in Glasgow guest speaker, retired police office Bobby Shaw, told them: "I was in a pub in Greenock where I asked, 'Do you have access to wi-fi?' But the barman replied, 'Ah don't even have access to ma weans'."

Career choices

FORMER parish priest at Partick St Simon's and various other Glasgow churches, Willy Slavin, has written his autobiography, Life Is Not A Long Quiet River. In a chapter about celibacy, he recounts the day he took his vows at the Scots College in Rome: "We were wakened early to get to the church on time. Since we knew the service would be long we went into a bar for a strong coffee before it. Already there at 6am was a pimp checking his girls after their night's work. He asked us what we, dressed in our purple cassocks, were doing up so early. When we explained we were on our way to make a promise of lifelong celibacy he expressed his admiration and wished us well. We didn't have time to reflect on his different choice!"

Cutting remark

OUR tales of what to tell police officers reminds a reader: “The late Sam Galbraith, the Labour Minister, was a world-renowned neurosurgeon before entering Parliament. The story was told that he was making his way home rather erratically along Byres Road after a party and was stopped by the police who took down his details. When they asked for his profession, they were not impressed by his reply of ‘brain surgeon’.”

Sheepish

WAIT, do you honestly think we are going to tell stories as old as this? It's just after we wrote that the Sheep Heid Inn in Edinburgh claims to be Scotland's oldest pub, Alan Potter in Paisley tells us: "Yes, it was many years ago but I recall my mother insisting that the woman ahead of her in the butcher's queue asked for a sheep's head to make broth for the family. 'But mind an' leave the eyes in', she said, 'it's to see us through the week'."

Eye watering

THE Evening Times reported that teenagers have been causing havoc in Kelvingrove Park in the good weather. We are reminded of the time louts trashed the park while Prince William's wedding was taking place. Playing up to stereotypes, a reader heard one west end woman declare when she read that police had to use pepper spray on the more obstreperous offenders. "I hope that they used Waitrose Wayanad pepper. It's very intense."

Crumbs

HOLIDAY firm Thomas Cook is in a bit of a financial mess it seems. We prefer happier times when the firm released its favourite complaints received from holidaymakers. They included:

• "The brochure stated, 'No hairdressers at the accommodation'. We're trainee hairdressers - will we be OK staying there?"

• "It took us nine hours to fly home from Jamaica to England. It only took the Americans three hours to get home."

• "No-one told us there would be fish in the sea. The children were startled."

• "We bought 'Ray-Ban' sunglasses for five Euros from a street trader, only to find out they were fake."

• "I think it should be explained in the brochure that the local store does not sell proper biscuits like custard creams or ginger nuts."