Learning the ropes

AS we wait the results of the European elections we look back at previous election stories in The Diary. There is, of course, not the same sense of immediacy this weekend as at the general election where we go live to counts. As one reader commented at the last general election: "I liked the live reports from Scottish election counts. It's the only time the rest of the UK gets to see us in a gym.”

Bum note

WHO could fail to be a fan of Scottish eloquence? A Cumbernauld reader once told us: "My daughter was listening to a news item on Spanish television about the local elections in the UK. The only Scot interviewed said he was not going to vote, and when asked why, he replied that the parties 'are two cheeks of the same bum’."

Fair play

SOMETIMES you have to praise the honesty of politicians. At one election, the Tory candidate in Motherwell was asked in a local youth magazine interview, along with all the other candidates, what his links were with the town. He replied: "Have seen Motherwell Football Club playing on Sportscene.”

Adds up

AS commentators speculate about Boris Johnson becoming the next Prime Minister we recall David Cameron when Prime Minister telling a Westminster Correspondents' Dinner: "I remember canvassing in a South Hampstead suburb with Boris during the London Mayoral election, and this very attractive, middle-aged woman came to the door and said, 'Boris! Lovely to see you! You are the father of one of my children!' The white hair stood up on end. He said, 'Oh, God, oh, cripes, oh. The media! What do you want? Is it money?' She said, 'No, you are the father of one of my children! I'm her maths teacher’."

Driven

AN old election story as a reader once told us was working in Errol on election day when a rich retired couple drove down to the polling station in their Bentley with blue ribbons for the Tories attached to their car. The couple employed a chauffeur, so the sight of the rich chap's wife driving the Bentley was a rare one. When asked why, they told locals: "We gave him the day off – as we knew he would only vote Labour if he drove us down.”

Climbers

WE remember years ago a Glasgow Labour MP complaining about the lack of help he got in his election campaign from local councillors. As he put it: "It's funny how some councillors can't climb a flight of stairs in a tenement to deliver a leaflet, but can happily skip up a flight of stairs to a plane if a foreign trip is in the offing.”

Rip off

AS an aside, a reader once told us about student elections and explained: "Back in the sixties, a candidate for election to Glasgow University Men's Union Board had a single issue manifesto – soft toilet paper. His campaign literature bore the slogan 'Cos Izal chaffs ye!'. He was successful and remains, in my experience, the only electoral candidate who implemented his entire manifesto pledge.”

Cross to bear

AN old joke updated for the election came from a sports fan who phones to tell us: "I hear the St Mirren manager was lurking outside the polling station. Apparently he was looking for someone who could put a decent cross into the box." We wonder what team this will be said about at the next election.

Spoilt for choice

AND for sheer daftness, Gary Delaney once mused: "Today I've decided to spoil my ballot paper. First we're going to the cinema, then the zoo, then ice cream!”