Behind closed doors

MUCH anger over Government cuts forcing the BBC to charge many viewers over 75 for their television licences. As one reader phones to tell us: "The irony is if any pensioner is jailed for not paying the licence, they will get the BBC in their cell for free."

Slip up

OUR online shopping mix-up reminded Sandy Tuckerman: "A work colleague still grappling with the triple threat of the metric system, decimalisation and new technology wanted to include a pound and a half of bananas in their online shop. They got the units wrong as well as missing out the decimal point and got 15kg of nice ripe yellow fruit delivered. Even our entire office struggled to get through them."

Breathe in

WE see TV presenter Lorraine Kelly in the news for being a bit shirty with Tory leadership contender Esther McVey. Got to say Lorraine is always in a good mood when we bump into her. One year she flew up from London to Glasgow to present the Scottish Retail Awards with her dress over her arm, but the rest of her possessions were in a case that did not arrive with her at the airport. So she just grabbed a taxi, walked into the Hilton with her dress, and asked the organisers if anyone had a pair of size six shoes as she didn't fancy presenting the awards in her trainers. Dress shoes borrowed, off she went to do a splendid job on stage, and then told us afterwards: "My only worry was that my big pants that keep your tummy in were in my case so I had to do it without them."

Duce Donald

AFTER our mention of Margaret Thatcher's press secretary Sir Bernard Ingham bringing out a book, one or two readers confessed to us that they didn't realise he was still with us. Well, he has not been that quiet either. He is about to turn 87, and until recently was writing a column in the Yorkshire Post where not so long ago he mused that Donald Trump's narrowed eyes and belligerent posture made him appear like Italian wartime dictator "Benito Mussolini in a wig".

That's the ticket

A WISHAW reader gets in touch to tell us: "A supermarket in Lanarkshire. Gentleman with heavily-laden trolley confronted by a silent check-out cashier. All swiped through from the conveyor belt and cascaded down slope to await total being announced. Cashier says '£84.12'. After money exchanged, the shopper makes the polite enquiry, 'Do you not say thank you to customers?' The reply with a quizzical look is 'It's printed on your ticket'."


RESTAURANT disasters, continued. Says a reader: “When a fellow student was an English assistant in Germany for a year, he got his tongue in a fankle and instead of ordering a känchen kaffee – a pot of coffee – he ordered a kaninchen, which means a rabbit. The waiter told him that unfortunately they were only serving coffee in squirrels that day. And they say the Germans don’t have a sense of humour!”


A READER tells us about a retired woman visiting her doctor who is asked about her activity levels and she tells him: "Well just yesterday I took a four-hour walk through some pretty rough terrain. I must have pushed my way through a mile of brambles, got sand in my shoes and my eyes, and climbed several rocky hills. I even had to go to the bathroom behind some big trees. But I had a couple of glasses of wine at the end of it." "A keen hiker?" asked the doctor. "No, just a terrible golfer," she said.

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