SO Scotland lost to Belgium, but it wasn't the horror story it has been in the past. Nevertheless our old chum and colleague Stewart Weir observed: "Forget that VAR stuff – Scotland conceded the first goal because some players went to sleep. The only technology that would have saved us was an alarm clock."

But perhaps the pithiest comment from the Euro qualifiers was from Ireland manager Mick McCarthy, who, when asked why the team arrived late, said: "The bus broke down". Asked by a journalist to expand on that, he said: "It wouldn’t go any further.”

Days of yore

THE furore over Tory leadership candidate Michael Gove taking cocaine came about because his drug-taking was exposed in a biography by journalist Owen Bennett. Just to show that some folk have different priorities, the Belfast Telegraph read the book and came up with the headline: "PM contender Gove knows the Sash", a reference, not to formal-wear, but a ditty sung by the Orange Order. An observer of the Scottish political scene commented: "If he loses the contest he could always become the next leader of the Scottish Conservatives."

Got his number

GROWING old, continued. Says a Glasgow reader: "Imagine trying to impress a younger woman by telling her you can rip a phone book in half and she asks you, 'What's a phone book?'"

Lab results

JUST to cheer you up we pass on the doggy story from broadcaster Lucy Freeman who was out for a walk and observed: "Saw a labrador in the river, appearing to struggle. It was whining and complaining. I drew the attention of its owner who said, 'He’s always doing this. Bloody drama queen. Joe! Put your feet down!' The labrador looks sheepish, and stands up – in water which comes up to its knees."


IT may not be that hot but the grass is still shooting up. As a Newton Mearns reader ruefully asks us: "Why is it so easy to immediately notice when my neighbour cuts his grass, but so hard to notice when my wife has had her hair cut?"


WE asked about unusual graces, and Eunan Coll in Coatbridge tells us: "At our all-male golf smoker a number of years ago, our captain recited the following grace – 'Oh sweet Saviour, Lord divine, who turned the water into wine. Please forgive this bunch of men, who are going to turn it back again'."


FOOTBALL players becoming publicans is still a thing, it seems. Former internationalist Steve Archibald mentioned on social media meeting ex-Hibs team mate Paul Kane and remarking what a nice guy he is. Author Irvine Welsh mentioned he is now running a pub then reminisced: "He pulled me out of a brawl in Maribor into a secluded basement bar. When he bought us triple vodkas I knew he was serious about not getting involved cause he’s a notorious tightwad."

Hibs fan Alana Massie added: "Good guy, always made me feel welcome at the Four In Hand, although he did start charging everyone a pound to plug our own chargers in if we charged our phone. I had been going in for years and thought the barmaid was joking, but nope."

Any more tales of footballer publicans?

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