A proposal

JUNE is traditionally the month for weddings so we thought we would look back on our favourite wedding stories in The Diary, including the daft story of the chap in the pub who announced: "The girlfriend's been constantly nagging me about getting married, so to shut her up I said we could have a summer wedding." "July?" asked his mate. "Of course I did," he replied.

Weighty problems

A READER in Saltcoats once told us about a local wedding where the nervous bride, struggling to keep a steady hand while signing the register, was advised by the minister that it might help if she put her weight on it. After the ceremony the minister noticed that after her signature she had added "8st 7lb”.

Wedding tackle

RETIRED referee Brian McGinley once told of officiating at an Aberdeen-Rangers game where Aberdeen were winning 1-0, and with just a minute to go it had descended into a melee with players pushing and shoving each other. Rather than resort to a series of red cards he blew for full time with furious Rangers manager Jock Wallace following him up the tunnel and demanding to know why he was in such a rush. Trying to diffuse the situation Brian told him he had to get to a wedding. "Is it your mother and father's?" bellowed Jock.


THERE was the classic Diary story, when we were on a run of strange tales about Kilwinning, which claimed that a young Kilwinning chap proudly told his mum that he was marrying a virgin. But his mother replied: "Son, if she's no good enough for the boys in Kilwinning, then she's no good enough for you."

In the frame

A READER at a wedding of an optician friend said that the minister couldn't resist saying to the couple when they were taking their vows: "Do you, Karen, take David the optician to be your lawfully wedded husband, for better or worse? Better... or worse? Better... or worse?”

Read more: Camley's Cartoon on Friday, June 21: BBC under fire again

That's a wrap

AH yes wedding receptions, and a reader on Arran told of a friend arriving at a reception being held in a very expensive hotel carrying a beautifully wrapped present which she sat on the table. Only the most eagle-eyed spotted that it was in fact a carefully wrapped wine box from which she discreetly topped up her glass all evening, before disposing of the then empty box in the bin, leaving none of the hotel staff any the wiser.

Not moderate

WE should of course mention wedding speeches and a reader in Rhu once told us: "There was the groom who said, 'I'm told these speeches should last as long as it takes to make love. So, in conclusion’."

And an Ayrshire reader passed on: "During his remarks at a wedding reception, the minister informed us that at a previous wedding the groom had given his bride a nightie and his bride had given him a bible. He added that if he had lifted the bible as often as he had lifted the nightie he could have been the Moderator of the General Assembly of the Church of Scotland.”

Battle of bulge

A TOPER in a Glasgow pub was being less than chivalrous when he declared: "My wife likes to tell everyone that even after 20 years of marriage she can still fit into her wedding dress. She just doesn't tell them that she was seven months pregnant at the time.”