In times of knee

WALKING down Glasgow’s Byres Road the other day, Diary reader Carol Puthucheary heard a workman saying to his colleague, who was perhaps ill-advisedly sporting a pair of shorts: “The last time I saw a pair of legs like that, they were hingin oot a nest!"

Lunchtime deadline

THE estimable Jimmie Macgregor tells us: “I am unable to contribute to your enjoyable series on age, as at a mere 89, I refuse to be old.” That’s the spirit, Jimmie! Age, it’s just a state of wotsname. However, Jimmie admits that he does like the variously attributed words that go something like: “All that I now ask of my friends is that they survive through lunch.” (Somerset Maugham? Noel Coward? Crikey, Ken will kill me when he gets back; raising the tone of the Diary like this).

Loose cannon

BORIS Johnson, the hopeful to become Leader of All Britain, has a wonderful way with words, which makes his recent choice regarding the Irish border question, and its potentially awful ramifications, all the more peculiar: “There is no single magic bullet.” Well, let’s hope not.

Make UK crate again

BORIS has raised eyebrows with his revelation that he relaxes by making model buses out of old wooden wine boxes, which he then paints red and completes with scenes of “passengers enjoying themselves”. Diary reader John B. Henderson quips: “Does he also write ‘£350 Million’ on the side of them? Just asking.”

Taps on

IT'S been an eyebrow-raising sort of day on The Diary, and at least three have gone skywards with news that student accommodation in Edinburgh’s Fountainbridge will have self-service beer and wine taps. One eyebrow belonged to councillor David Key, who complained of students “sitting here, drinking their beer and going to bed”. Scandalous. Students! Getting blotto? Go oot!

Paying the price

GOOD news about an alcohol sales drop as the Scottish Government’s minimum pricing policy kicks in, prompting singing newsman Tommy Mackay, of the Daily Reckless website, to reprise a little ditty from his musical Oliver Pissed. In character, the singer is what sociologists call a jakey, who is opposed to minimum pricing: “I wake up in the morning with a fire in my head/I wake up in the morning in somebody else’s bed/I wake up in the morning wrapped up in the Evening News/I wake up in the morning with vomit in my shoes.” And the hook: “I wanna cheap laugh/I wanna cheap thrill/Not the alcohol minimum pricing bill.” Marvellous.

Milking it

A SHOCKING report on the BBC’s website investigates Sandwichgate – the bizarre methods folk adopt to stop colleagues stealing their food and drink from the office fridge. If you think putting a padlock on a bottle of milk is bad, consider this one, confessed to by Tony, who works for an electronics manufacturer: “I bought some liquid laxatives and added it to my milk. Let’s say he [regular thief of same] had an unforgettable day … He never touched my milk again.” Professor Cary Cooper, of the Alliance Manchester Business School, told the Beeb folk took milk because they thought it “communal”. Taking their lunch was different: “That’s a bit nasty and probably a revenge attack.” Gosh. Any Diary readers ever had their piece pinched or tampered with?