OH my, what’s happening? The page is going all swirly (come on, work with me on this; it’s as near as I can get to interactive). Round and round spin the words, into a blur. Now the whole page is spinning as we go back in time. Yes, madam: time.

All right, you can stand down now. You get the picture. We’re going Back to the Future, at least as far as entertainment goes. Yep, it was announced variously this week that all sorts of shows are being brought back to life.

I think it’s fair to say there’s been a relative lack of decent new entertainment on our televisual contrivances in recent years, so perhaps it’s no surprise that old favourites are being brought back.

Among these is Blackadder, which previously covered, in a markedly disrespectful manner, four historical periods from the medieval to the First World War.

In the mooted new series, Rowan Atkinson in the title role will play an ageing university lecturer. That should be interesting. From what one reads, universities are now haunted by panicky old profs, terrified to say the wrong thing as anyone not following the authoritarian liberal line laid down by the young and middle-aged is pushed out.

Writer Richard Curtis has also noted that, where previously Blackadder was a young man mocking older authority figures, he’ll now be an older figure trying to deal with younger authority figures. Ooh, I do look forward to that.

No cynicism or political correctness in the old Carry On films, which are also being rejuvenated after film producer and fan Brian Baker secured the rights. Indeed, the original films were so politically incorrect one wonders how they could possible be reproduced in this day and age.

Mr Baker, 72, says he just wants to bring back the sense of innocent fun and, while he’ll try to strike a “happy medium”, he’s no intention of dropping the double-entendres and other sophisticated wordplay.

Here’s a funny thing: I watch a Carry On film, sometimes two, every day of the week, and never feel appalled by them (apart from some of the puns). But, recently, I also watched the first season of one my favourite shows – liberal, right-on M*A*S*H* – and was so appalled by the way that the women in it were treated that I had to switch if off.

It was a real shock. Maybe it was because I’d different expectations from two different types of show. I reprised M*A*S*H* in a later series, and it was a bit better, and featured of course a plethora of superb one-liners, but it was really surprising to see how women were treated then. You say: “Surely, the Carry Ons were worse?” Well, yes and – what’s that other one? – no.

Women in the Carry Ons give as good as they get, and are often strong in their own way. There’s even a decent romantic story line much of the time. I think it was the condescending, smart-assed mockery of early M*A*S*H* that offended me. Yes, moi: offended! Yay.

As the influential Daily Star newspaper thundered in an editorial about the return of Carry On: “It’s bound to offend some people. But it wouldn’t be funny if it didn’t.”

At least no one (surely?) could take offence at the return of All Creatures Great and Small to our screens, courtesy of Channel 5. The series about a Yorkshire vet contains no bad attitudes towards women. The only creatures with anything to worry about are cows drafted in as extras for the show. Brace yourself, Daisy!

Give 'em enought rope

I’M afraid I’ve lost the source for this but someone online – a punter rather than a properly qualified person, or journalist – issued an eloquent call for longer political interviews in which we could actually learn what a would-be statesmen or leader believed.

I don’t know if many of you remember Weekend World, with Brian Walden, in which politicians were interviewed over the course of the best part of an hour. It was surprisingly interesting viewing.

The whole point was to give them enough rope. Very often, they’d do really well for 50-odd minutes then start to drop their guard and say something slightly ambiguous, which was seized on by the reptile press next day and branded as – all together now – “a u-turn”. Yawn.

Walden was considered tenacious by the standards of the time but would probably be thought timid by today’s rude standards. Interviews are too “mediated” now, conducted by interrogators who see themselves as going into bat for we, the people – ken? So they keep interrupting.

Here’s the trick: let the politicians speak. If there’s a blind alley on the premises, let them blunder up it. Then stay silent, letting them tie themselves in knots until the people shout: “Next!”

Electric cars 'too quiet'

HERE’S a quandary: a good thing about electric cars was supposed to be their quietness. Personally, I looked forward to a quieter future, free from that hellish road-drone that’s so hard to escape, even in bosky parts of our domain.

However, it turns out that quiet cars are proving almost as dangerous as cyclists, who are forever sneaking up on pedestrians, often while the latter are crossing on the green person, while the former breenge through the red traffic light in the traditional manner.

Now, a new directive from that European Union stipulates that new electric models must emit fake revs, at least when the car is reversing or doing less than 12.5 miles an hour. The untrustworthy source where I’m reading this – a newspaper – says the ruling will apply whether or not Brexit happens.

Sounds like a plan, right enough. Surely the next logical step is to develop something similar for cyclists, perhaps a circus clown horn that goes off ever five seconds or the theme tune from Laurel and Hardy.

Like most decent ratepayers, I’m all for green transport, unless it comes with a saddle – and a pillock placed upon it. And don’t worry, I’m not looking at you, horse-riders