Suit yourself

THE Queen was in Cumbernauld the other week as part of a mini tour of Scotland while on her way to Holyrood. As former councillor Gerard McElroy tells us: "As a Deputy Lieutenant of the county, I had a role to perform during the Queen’s visit to Cumbernauld and thought I would dress appropriately. During the chat with the chap at the dress hire shop he enquired about the nature of the occasion. 'Well,' says I, 'I’m meeting the Queen coming off the Royal Train at Croy station'. 'Aye,very good sir', came the reply.

Snakes alive

BEST wishes to the little lad recovering after being bitten by an adder in Inverary. Can't help thinking though that we Scots are easier to scare than previous generations. Oban Police had to put out the warning yesterday: "Can we just clarify that the report of a snake's skin in Creag Bhan today was actually a piece of cardboard packaging and not a snake. The offending packaging was uplifted by police and disposed of in the recycle paper bin."

Fall guy

READER Joe Knox passes on: "I was at a Certificate of Professional Competence course for coach drivers last week and Robert the lecturer said he had fallen off a 50-foot ladder. After seeing our shocked faces he added that he was pleased to say he was only on the bottom rung at the time."


TODAY’S piece of daftness comes from Craig Deeley who says: “My friend never knew the difference between ‘infer’ and ‘imply’. It never really mattered until he opened a club called Disco Implyno.”

Getting cross

GROWING old, continued. Our tale of the chap putting out the items he needed for the morning in case he forgot them reminded Barney MacFarlane: "My old grandfaither, when going to work in the morning, would perform the ritual of the sign of the cross on himself. Placing his hand on his head, then back and forth on his shoulders, he would intone, 'Ma bunnet, ma wallet, ma glesses – an' ma piece'."

Bit flash

OUR tales of Bastille Day in France reminded a Falkirk reader: "Returning from our holiday one year on Bastille Day, we stood on the deck of the ferry at Ouistreham in Normandy, now fully loaded and ready to leave at 10.30pm, but nothing was happening. Nor did it, until on the dot of 11pm, the sky was lit up spectacularly in both directions by a blaze of flashes, sparks and falling stars – the annual fireworks' displays of every town and village along the coast. Fifteen minutes later we sailed. The French always get their priorities right!"

That's a date

AS the Glasgow Fair continues, author Meg Henderson recalls: "Like many Glaswegians my parents got married on Fair Friday, in their case July 17, 1936, and for many years my mother would very proudly tell people that she got married on July 17 and had her first wean on July 20. She was a trusting soul and at a time when such things mattered it never occurred to her to say her first wean arrived not on July 20, 1936, but 1937, and she'd sit there smiling innocently and smugly as her listeners stared at her. We never did point out her mistake to her."

What's she driving at

WE dip into social media where folk have been sharing the funny things they do to annoy their partners. We liked the woman who admitted that when she drops her husband off at the station or anywhere where there is a crowd, she screams as he alights: "Get out of my car!" and quickly drives away.

Read More: Herald Diary: On a puzzling note