Clammed up

THE hot weather over the last few days reminds us of Diary stories in previous scorchers, such as the Glasgow girl at a job interview on a hot day who walked in and remarked: "S'awfy clammie!" The English chap conducting the interview replied: "Please take a seat, Sophie.”

And the toper in the Glasgow pub who felt brave enough to tell his pals: "I was so hot in bed last night I had to cuddle up to the wife to get cold.”

Smoking hot

GOOD to see the parks being so busy. A reader once told us that he was lounging in Kelvingrove Park when he heard a mother call her daughter over and firmly tell her to put on sunscreen. The daughter dubiously picked up the tube, read the label and asked: "Factor Fifty? What's in it? A blanket?" And for sheer daftness, one reader told us on a sunny day: "I hope my neighbours have a barbecue soon or I'm going to look rather stupid with all this salmon on my washing line.”

Once bitten

MIDGES can be bad this time of year. of course. A colleague once informed us: "I saw a sign in a shop 'Midge nets £10'. I didn't even know insects could play the lottery.”

Being driven

TRANSPORT, though, can be a bit sticky when it's humid. Reader Tom Rafferty was on a sweltering 38 bus in Glasgow one year when a passenger answered his mobile phone and declared in a very Glasgow way: "Sweat's runnin aff me... Naw, no really hungry... Too hot.... Where you goin?.... Ah well, get us a pie supper, hen. Ten minutes, doll.”

And Still Game actor Gavin Mitchell once had a conversation with a taxi driver on a hot sticky day which went: Taxi driver: "How was yer night?" Gavin: "Awright. Yersel?" Taxi driver: "Aye awright, just sittin' sweatin' ma a*** aff oan this PVC seat wi this windae open thinking, 'whit am a dain' wi ma life? Why did a no try harder?’"

Seeing red

OK, we will mention the classic hot weather joke which was the Glasgow couple who splashed out on an upmarket hotel in Spain where they found themselves lounging at the pool beside a history professor and his wife. The prof turned to the Glasgow chap and asked: "Read Marx?" "Yes," he replied. "I think it's those wicker chairs."


PARENTING can be difficult in the hot weather. A Knightswood reader once told us he bought his two young sons ice cream cones on an unusually sunny weekend. Not sure what they wanted, he returned with one vanilla ice cream and one chocolate, and asked the boys which one they wanted. Immediately one of the lads answered: “His!"

Fine mess

DOWN memory lane, Diary readers once discussed when the weather was so hot that tar on the roads would melt. A reader recalled his dad owning a shop in Strathaven where one summer in the 50s it was so hot his dad feared customers might drag melted tar over his new linoleum floor, so he covered it in newspapers. Ten minutes later his fed-up customers were walking about with sheets of newspapers stuck to their shoes like a bad Laurel and Hardy impersonation.

Ginger group

THERE are not many MPs around with a sense of humour these days, so we like to recall when red-haired Eastwood Tory MP Paul Masterton told followers on his Twitter account one hot sunny day: "Remember, on days like today, do your bit for humanity and check in on any ginger neighbours to make sure they have sufficient supplies of total block and a sun hat.”

Read more: Anyone for Lady Windermere's Fan?