Home alone

READER Roberta Patterson from Pumpherston took the children for a weekend London jaunt, leaving husband at home with orders to complete basic chores such as grocery shopping and a little light hoovering.

On return, Roberta noticed a deficit of groceries and a surfeit of dust.

Under interrogation, hubby admitted to spending the weekend watching telly and attempting to chase a Daddy Long Legs out the window.

“Did you at least get rid of it?” asked Roberta.

“Not really,” came the response. “But I’ve not seen him in a few hours. I’m hoping he died of old age.”

Butler bashing

GERARD Butler’s upcoming movie is an intimate period drama in the Merchant Ivory mould, with the Paisley actor starring as a timid librarian who collects shells…

Just kidding. Angel Has Fallen is another of Gerry’s boom-bang-a-bang blood fests, with square jaw blokes squaring-up to each other, and fans are drooling over the prospect. Apart from one nit-pick critic. “Your hands look very delicate in the trailer,” he informs Gerard on Instagram. “But you still kick ass!”

Talk about mixed messages.

Fake bake

VISITING her favourite swanky café, Hillhead reader Carol Bird spotted the proprietor unpacking a supermarket cake box. Carol informed him he had spoiled the illusion, as she always assumed baking was done on the premises. To which the café owner replied: “Me? Bake? If I could make my morning toast without turning it into charcoal, that would be like winning MasterChef for me.”

Saucy comment

Reader Mary Duncan syas her neighbour's son requested tomato sauce with his pasta, but there was none in the house. His mother told him to ask Joan, next door, for some. “But she’s old,” said the little lad. “She won’t have tomato sauce.”

A word to the young. The internet, Netflix and tousled blond Prime Ministers – all relatively new inventions. But pulverised tomatoes in a bottle? That’s been a planet earth pleasure for yonks.

Lippy Lewis

A WHILE ago, reader Derek Miller, from Torrance, reported on Lewis Capaldi’s refusal to curb his colourful language for a New York gig.

Derek continues to follow the Bathgate-born singer’s career, catching him in the grounds of a country estate in Liverpool, where Capaldi performed with a symphony orchestra.

Our reader hoped the luxurious setting and backing of swanky musicians would persuade Capaldi to be more temperate of tongue. As if.

After one orchestral flourish, Lewis, ever surprised by his burgeoning reputation, pointed to his accompaniment and declared: “This is pure ******* mental. Ah’m the least talented musician oan this stage.

“And this lot went tae school tae learn their stuff!”

Knight-Knight, Neil

HIRSUTE historian, Neil Oliver, has revealed in the mid-90s he worked as a webmaster. How very modern… and disappointing. More fun to imagine Neil as the last of the medieval squires. Must we now conclude he doesn’t wear a suit of armour to bed, but is pyjama-clad like mere mortal men?

Crime curbed

GLOBE-TROTTING Scottish comedian, Daniel Sloss, is delighted to be home for the Edinburgh Festival. “Edinburgh is the only place where people are normal,” he sighs. Better not tell local crime scribe, Ian Rankin, about this plague of normality breaking out in the capital. No more inspiration for his profitable run of Rebus novels.

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