I’M not sure I could spot a “millennial” in the street but, whoever they are, I’m beginning to feel sorry for them. They’re always being picked on for having peculiar attitudes, ever the subject of surveys, perpetually suffering or disadvantaged in some way. Poor boobies.

I suppose I’d better do some research – yawn – and find out exactly what a millennial is, so if you’ll excuse me I’ll just put on my hat and raincoat, slip into my pavement pounding shoes, make sure I’ve got my trusty notebook, and sit down to look up Wikipedia.

Crivvens, is nothing simple? It says here that, coming after Generation X and preceding Generation Z, millennials are Generation Y. Well, glad we cleared that one up. But what age are they? Well, you take “the early1980s as starting birth years and the mid-1990s to early 2000s as ending birth years”.

Hmm, not as narrowed down as I’d expected. In today’s money, then, they’ll be aged 17 to 39, which sounds like just about everybody. I suppose the demographic is meant to be “the young”, ie those not having attained the maturity and wisdom of middle age.

I’ll be candid with you and confess that I like the younger generation (always smiling and happy to help) better than my own (always moaning and suspicious of everything), so I’m sure everything will come good for them, particularly if we suspend democracy and put a strongman into power.

No use looking at me like that. It’s what many millennials think, according to a poll by the “centre-right” think tank Onward. Sixty-six per cent of those aged 25 to 34 (bit more specific at least) favoured “strong” leaders, 36 per cent supported military rule, and a quarter thought democracy bad for Britain.

Twice as many valued “security” compared to those who valued “freedom”, and 59 per cent thought immigration had had a negative impact on the economy.

Whoa, that’s rum stuff and a touch unexpected. I thought these folk were all politically correct, right-on, left-wing liberals. Maybe that’s my generation. On closer inspection, no one is going to say they want a “weak” leader, whether in a democracy or otherwise.

You can also see why folk might get cynical about democracy, as it seems to involve such a hullabaloo. But what else is there? A military dictatorship? Come on! Someone’s been saying daft stuff for a laugh.

It was no laughing matter when another survey (millennials can’t step out the door without someone surveying them) found that many Britons aged between 23 and 38 were desserting desserts.

The survey, for top academic institution Northwest Cherries, found that a third of the controversial demographic – and look away now if you’re easily upset – had never tried a pineapple upside down cake. Shocking.

More than one in five had never even inhaled a banoffee pie, which I still think of as fairly modern pudding and, as we went to press, fears were growing for the future of rhubarb crumble. Must say I’m more of a stodge man myself – raised on tinned sponge pudding and custard – and am sure that Scots millennials won’t give up on cranachan, with its healthy raspberries and oats.

The script seems to be that, if millennials had their way, we’d be living in a pudding-free military dictatorship, pinning our hopes on a Pinochet and sacrificing our freedom for security. I do not believe it, as a certain person from the older generation might say.

Rab McNeil: I'm thinking about not paying my tv licence

WHAT if Marxists come to power? Marxists! Imagine that. The excitable press of Middle England has been raising fears about just that. The prospect arose after John McDonnell, the Shadow Chancellor of All Britain, said that, if Boris Johnson refused to quit after a vote of no confidence, then Labour would put its leader Jeremy Corbyn into a cab and send him to Buckingham Palace to tell the Queen: “We’re taking over.”

I can imagine them trying that and a flunky at the door saying: “I’m sorry, sir, but Her Majesty, a queen, isn’t in.”

It sounds far-fetched, but Mr McDonnell made the remarks at an Edinburgh Fringe Festival event, and these are notorious for people of influence saying ill-advised things amidst the generally louche atmosphere.

If I might speak candidly, I don’t believe either Mr McDonnell or Mr Corbyn are proper Marxists anyway. They wouldn’t be in the Labour Party if they were. But I guess it’s just part of the confusing political landscape in which we find ourself, where today’s police sound more radical than 1960s students, liberals have become the most intolerant people around, and the biggest cliché or trope is now: “I’m not politically correct but …”

IF a Marxist government does come to power, then after nationalising everything (yay!) and taxing the rich (double-yay!) till they threaten to leave (don’t worry, with the possible exception of pop stars who like fancy foreign places anyway, they never do), it’s to be hoped the new administration will take immediate steps to close down Waitrose, the grocery supermarket that purposefully avoids poor parts of town.

Alas, the hoity-toity chain’s demise didn’t make the headlines this week, but this did: “Shopper’s Waitrose rant: There are too many seeds on my loaf.” Well, at least it knocked Derek Trump (note to self: check name on Wikipedia) off the front pages.

The controversy erupted after a woman in her fifties (not a millennial, at least) bought a seeded bloomer from her local snooty emporium, ate half of it, then took it back and insisted on a refund because its character had been ruined by too many seeds.

One eyewitness said: “I don’t think you could get a more middle-class complaint if you tried.” Really? Why shouldn’t we be able to complain about our bread? Maybe we should all buy something from the store, eat half of it then go back for a refund. That would soon put it out of business. Note to Messrs Corbyn and McDonnell: get seeded bloomers in your manifesto.