Bit of a card

IT seems that more Scots have gone on cruises this summer. Amongst our favourite cruising stories in the Diary was the reader who told us that on an American cruise, when they went ashore in Mexico, they were handed a postcard of the liner which they could show to any taxi driver to take them back to the dock if their Spanish wasn't up to it and the driver didn't speak English.

So he duly flashed the card at a taxi driver, but it didn't quite work. He drove them to the post office.

Milking it

A PASSENGER on a cruise ship to St Petersburg told us that a fellow Scot on the trip had stopped at a cafe, where he ordered a cup of tea. As he topped his cup up with milk, a Russian at another table leaned over and declared: "In Russia, only women put milk in their tea."

Without batting an eyelid, the Scot replied: "Is that right? Well, in Scotland, only women drink vodka."

Cruise control

OLDER Herald readers have fond memories of school cruises in the sixties. When The Herald printed a picture of Scots schoolchildren on a cruise to Portugal and Spain on the SS Dunera, a reader contacted us to say: "We were on the trip from a girls' school in Bothwell. When we got to Lisbon some boys started following us, so the nuns from the school marched us straight back to the ship and we saw nothing of Lisbon."

Hand it to her

A MILNGAVIE reader back from a cruise said he heard a woman from Glasgow at the next table say to her husband: "That's the fourth time you've been up at the buffet. Are you not embarrassed what folk must think about you?" "Not at all," he replied. "I just tell folk I'm filling up your plate for you."

It's magic

WE mentioned cruise ship Disney Magic berthing in Greenock, and reader Bruce Skivington explained: "The Disney Magic is one of a large fleet of Disney cruise ships.

"The most popular and safest is the Disney Sink."

Let's face it

SOME cruises have guest speakers on board. Reader Jim Morrison once told us: "We had on board the actress Shirley Anne Field who gave a talk on her life, and then asked if anyone had any questions. After a pause a large Scouse chap put his hand up, 'Have you ever had a facelift?' 'No', replied Shirley, 'But I can give you the address of a place that does them if you want'."

Water under bridge

AN AYR reader told us about being on a Caribbean cruise where an American passenger buttonholed the captain to tell him she was quite alarmed to see some water coming down the stairs. The skipper cheerfully told her it was nothing to worry about – but if she ever saw water going up the stairs she should contact him immediately.

Turned on

A STRATHAVEN reader on a P&O cruise had to summon the steward as a loud buzzing noise in the cabin was becoming annoying. The steward was unable to locate where the buzzing was coming from and eventually the Chief Engineer was brought in for his expertise. Problem solved when the engineer found they had left an electronic toothbrush switched on and dancing around in a tumbler.


WE were reminded of flooding in Paisley where a wee wummin rescued by rubber dinghy from her flooded street by the fire brigade told a news crew: "Ah went tae see a medium last week and she telt me ah wiz gonny go oan a cruise.

"Never telt me it wid be up ma ain street."