Picture this

ONLY in Glasgow... Ian Watson tells us his Glaswegian cousin and wife, long exiled in the USA, had returned to celebrate their 50th wedding anniversary in Mackintosh at the Willow on Sauchiehall Street. Says Ian: "It being a sunny Saturday afternoon the professional photographer hired to capture the occasion assembled the guests outside. With cameras and huge lenses hanging off each shoulder she was lining up one group in front of the Art Noveau frontage when she felt a tap on her shoulder followed by, ‘gie’s yer camera hen and I’ll take one of youse all’."

She called it

WE liked how Glasgow crime writer Denise Mina dealt with one of those pesky random phone calls. Says Denise: "My phone rang from an 0800 number. Me, 'Hello I understand from my files that you were in a car accident recently?' Caller, 'Sorry....what?' Me, 'I'm looking at my files and I understand that you were recently in an accident with your car, is that right?' Hung up on me."

Fired up

ACCUSATIONS that the G7 group of rich nations were being a bit parsimonious over their $22m fund to help Amazon countries fight wildfires were perhaps best summed up by one Scottish football fan who declared: "Sheffield United paid more than that for Oliver McBurnie."

Driving at

READER Bob Jamieson confesses: "My hearing is certainly not what it was. My wife and I were playing golf at Windyhill in Bearsden, following a group of Japanese businessmen. They tee’d off and one of them hit his ball way left, landing on our fairway. He wandered toward it, stopped in front of me, bowed and said, 'Ahoomabaw' then played his shot. I turned to my wife and said, 'He just said something in Japanese, no idea what it meant'. My wife just looked at me and said, 'He hooked his ball'."

An age thing

GROWING old, continued. Says Andy Mitchell in Prestwick: “Catriona Stewart’s piece on ageism in The Herald reminded me of a conversation I overheard on the Glasgow to Ayr bus some time ago. Three teenagers, two lads and a lass, were chatting and the lass said, ‘This old guy came up to me’ adding in an outraged tone, ‘He must have been thirty!’”

Fur goodness sake

WE asked about typing errors - yes, I know, something I'm an expert in - and Duncan Sim from Hyndland recalls: "Years ago, I worked in an office in Kelvingrove Street, and at lunchtimes we would occasionally frequent a Chinese restaurant in Argyle Street, long before Finnieston became home to fashionable eateries. The daily menu was produced on an old-fashioned typewriter, the author not noticing that 'C' and 'V' were next to each other on the keyboard.

"One day we were amused to see that the price for lunch included CAT."

Good book

RELIGIOUS thought for the day by actor Matt Lucas who observes: "Whenever I meet those evangelical types in the street and they start talking about the Bible and how Christ died for my sins, I just say, 'No spoilers please! I'm still only on the bit where he's feeding the 5000'."

Shopped

AN AYRSHIRE reader tells us one of his golf club members declared the other day: "My grand-daughter told me she and her pals paid good money to go to one of those escape rooms where you have to work out how to get out of it. I asked her if it would not be cheaper simply to walk through Ikea the wrong way."